Average Joes (2012)
Chapter 1
Mr. and Mrs. Claus sat in The Manor in their modern kitchen with smooth cabinet fronts made out of the finest beech. Mrs. Claus was totally into Scandinavian design. It was breathtaking and she admired anyone who could make something so beautiful, but there wasn’t a handle in sight. She was getting used to finding the recesses that were hidden on the edges of the front panels, but she still wasn’t sold on the idea. She caught herself thinking about it every time even that she knew it really wasn’t an important issue with everything else that was happening. Nonetheless, she thought about it every time she was in the kitchen.
Mr. Claus broke into her thoughts by saying, “Rosemary, I have some news.”
Mrs. Claus looked at him and raised her eyebrows. When he didn’t say anything she picked up her bourbon highball and reached down with the other to pick up her cigarette. She tensed her shoulders, pursed her lips slightly and breathed out audibly. Their relationship had reached a new equilibrium after two kidnappings- him once and her the other- and an alien invasion in the last three years. She still loved him, but the dramatic pauses, like the kitchen, were on a long list of things that she would just have to accept.
He finally continued, “I have been doing a lot of thinking.”
“Well, that’s good. We wouldn’t want your brain to atrophy.”
“Rosemary, your sarcasm is not appreciated here.”
“Alright. What’s up?”
He paused again, so she took took a hit on her cigarette and washed it down with some bourbon.
“Honey, are you okay?” asked Mrs. Claus
“Yeah, I have just been doing some thinking.”
She relaxed and waited through another pause.
Mr. Claus continued, “The internet is getting bigger and bigger. The kids these days all have smart phones and some of them are getting them at a very young age. Even if they don’t have a phone they have access to the internet and they’re on the computer all the time. Their parents are also spending more and more time on the computer and I am afraid that the mystique of Santa Claus is fast disappearing.”
He paused again and she asked, “Are you alright?”
“No I’m not alright. Everything that we’ve built up is on the verge of being marginalized. So, I made a decision.”
“That sounds serious, are we going to retire?”
“No, no. It’s not that.” he answered.
“Well, what’s going on?”
“I have decided to re-focus. The way I figure it we have a toy manufacturing capacity and delivery network that is second to none. Why should we work our asses off just to give our product away? I got Albert and J.J. to set up an internet site where we will sell our handmade toys and they will be delivered directly from The Pole. No toy stores, no middle man. Quality toys direct to the customers. We keep doing our thing and I don’t have to stress on Christmas Eve. We can be together, honey. Isn’t that cool?”
Chapter 2
Mrs Claus was speechless. Mr. Claus looked at her expectantly. He knew that it would be a tough sell, but it was already arranged and there was no turning back. The toys would get out this year, but he had decided to break from tradition.
Mrs. Claus took a sip of bourbon before Mr. Claus broke the silence, “Well?”
She said, “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me.”
Mr. Claus looked over at her and said, “Do I sound like I’m kidding here?”
“So it’s goodbye Christmas Eve and hello dot com?”
Mr. Claus raised his hands up and acted like he was insulted, “Rosemary, I am just thinking about the kids here. Like I said the mystique is gone. Even a slow three year-old can search the internet these days. There are 56 million hits about Santa Claus and the top hit is a link explaining that I am a mythical creature. Why fight it?”
He wasn’t getting it thought Mrs. Claus and took a drag of her cigarette. She blew out the smoke and said methodically “Listen to me. I’ll give you that you some of the mystique has disappeared into cyberspace. I’ll also grant that you are being marginalized along with the true meaning of Christmas. But the same is happening with the creationists and you don’t see them taking the easy way out, do you?”
“I don’t see it that way.”
Mrs. Claus took another sip from her glass. He really wasn’t listening and she knew him well enough to know that he hadn’t thought this through. His only thought was being able to stay home Christmas Eve with a bottle of good red wine. She could understand to some extent. There was a lot of crap on the internet that used a likeness of her husband and catered to small children.
He broke the silence, “I know what you’re thinking and I have had the same thoughts. But, every good run comes to an end. I’ve been beaten by the internet and I have been fighting it the last couple of years, but so many other things have come up that I was just happy to make it to Christmas Eve in one piece. But why should I keep fighting a battle that I can’t win?”
“You’re making a big mistake here.”
“Like I said I have thought it totally through. It’s a good plan. All the elves keep their jobs and we can continue making kids happy. Things will just be a little different- that’s all.”
“A little different?”
“Yeah, that’s how I see it.”
Mrs. Claus was quiet for a second before asking, “What about the toy mob? Don’t you remember what happened last time you broke the agreement?”
Mr. Claus turned pale.
Chapter 3
A lot of things had changed in the last decade at the North Pole. Mr. Claus had tried to modernize everything and run it like a business. He changed the name to The Pole and elected a small group of elves to run everything: William, Liz, Albert and J.J..
William was the quiet leader and his green cowboy hat and matching boots made him stand out. He didn’t wear them to be seen- he just liked them and felt that the green color still gave him that elf look.
William had been together with Liz for the last couple of years and it came as no surprise to anyone. It was amazing that it had taken them so many years to figure it out. Liz always looked sharp and normally wore her hair up in a bun like a school teacher. She was tough, astute and had a big heart. She made sure that the other elves had a great working environment and kept up with trends and standards. She spent a lot of time at The Pole and had a good feeling for how the other elves were feeling.
William and Liz sat in the board room. They had arrived early for the daily status meeting and were eating croissants and drinking cappuccinos. It was quiet without Mr. Claus and the other elves.
William said between bites, “I was hoping for a relaxed December this year. The home page thing, though, makes me uneasy.”
Liz replied, “It’s a big change and it isn’t improving morale at all.”
“You know more about that Liz. I was worried about the implications it has outside The Pole.”
Chapter 4
Mr. Claus walked into the board room and looked too calm considering the circumstances, thought William. Mrs. Claus followed close behind him and looked on top of things as usual. It was unusual that she came to the morning meeting but it wasn’t the first time. William wondered if something else was up.
Mr. Claus silently picked up a cup of coffee, black, for his wife and a cappuccino for himself.
After a sip of his cappuccino he spoke solemnly, “We have had so many practical meetings and haven’t had much time to reflect. We are moving forward at a remarkable rate, but there is something that you all need to know. I have spoken to Rosemary about this and she,” he stopped and continued, “we wanted to let you know that our decisions carry a greater weight than I had anticipated. Maybe.”
Mr. Claus paused and J.J., who looked confused, asked, “I am not following. I thought it was a total go. The green light and everything. The page is totally buzzing.”
There was a long silence as everyone waited for Mr. Claus to elaborate.
He didn’t, so William said, “Okay, I’ll take this one. I believe what Mr. Claus is referring to is the possibility that the organization of toy manufacturers may not look favorably on our endeavor. We have an unwritten agreement that we won’t profit from our activities.”
“But we set in a decent profit margin as per Mr. Claus’s request.” remarked J.J., who still looked confused.
William answered, “That’s the issue here. The organization can be quite persuasive and an unwritten agreement with them is basically a written contract.”
J.J. replied, “You make it sound like the mafia or something.”
Mrs. Claus was quick to answer, “It is the mafia. The goddamn toy mafia. And if it sounds unbelievable then believe me they mean business.”
Chapter 5
Mrs. Claus elaborated on their situation, “A while back we had run-in with the organization, who had a different leadership at that point. William was the only one who knew about it. It got kind of ugly and to avoid any violence or unpleasantness we had to promise that we would continue as a non-profit group. As long as we kept our end of the agreement then they would leave us alone.”
She took a sip of coffee and continued, “All of the major toy producers pay what is commonly known as a lego tax. The organization gets a percentage of all toy sales in the world. Any break from this results in retaliation. Everyone pays the tax but us. And now we have changed our business situation and I can only assume that our agreement is still in force. A change in leadership won’t have changed that at all.”
Mr. Claus added meekly, “Maybe they forgot and don’t know about our home page.”
William responded, “I am surprised that we haven’t heard from them already. I suppose that there is an outside chance that they haven’t seen it, but I doubt it. They know the toy industry.”
J.J. asked innocently, “Can’t we just change our agreement with them?”
Mr. Claus answered stiffly, “I won’t be intimidated by them. And I won’t make a new agreement.”
William said, “I don’t think that is wise, but if that’s what you want to do then we need some help.”
“And Leroy’s our man.” said Albert.
William agreed, “Yeah, it’s time to call in Leroy. He knows their type and can help us.”
Leroy was their problem fixer. He had grown up on the South Side of Chicago and had recently moved to Copenhagen. A brother in the land of supermodels he had said last time they were together. He was the real world equivalent of a Jedi knight. He never got flustered and would generally win if push came to shove. It rarely did with Leroy, though. He had a way about him. It wouldn’t surprise William if Leroy knew something akin to the force.
William looked toward Albert, “Okay call him and make arrangements to pick him up in one of the sleds. You can brief him on the way. In the meantime we will try and see how much we are willing to pay in taxes.”
Albert picked up his phone and made the call as he left the board room.
William looked toward Mr. Claus, “We need to be realistic. Let’s figure out a plan A and a plan B.”
Mr. Claus answered, “I don’t want to hear any of this crap. I won’t be pushed around by a bunch of care bears with beer stains.”
Mr. Claus got up and stormed out of the board room.
J.J. looked confusingly at William, who answered, “I’ll explain in a second.”
Mrs. Claus said, “He’ll be the death of us all.”
Chapter 6
William looked at Mrs. Claus and J.J., who were the only left in the board room and said, “Okay, here’s the story of the toy mafia.
“In the late 80’s a large toy company wanted to cash in on the care bear craze. They worked on an idea for a line of bears that would appeal to a broader audience. In other words they wanted something that would appeal to men and would get the ‘workin’ man’ to buy a bear for their kid. They developed a line of bears called ‘Average Joe’. The Average Joes were roughly bear-formed with a nice beer belly and a shock of hair that matched their color. They came in earth-tone colors as opposed to the bright colors of the care bears. They couldn’t have a symbol on their stomach because of copyright issues so they went for the pre-stained look. Each Average Joe could be purchased with ketchup, beer or grass stains.
“A first generation of Joes was produced in several colors with different stains. The company wanted to give each of the Joes an attitude. Not too much, but just enough to appeal to their target audience. They were happy with the look and searched for a way to give the Joes just a bit more. Computers were not all that common back then so it wasn’t an option to program the Joes. The company turned to a revolutionary technique called ‘pre-conditioning’. The Joes were all set in a small room on trashy sofas and shown non-stop re-runs and sports.
“The Average Joes never saw the light of the day. While the company’s attempt to appeal to the average male consumer was admirable it was judged to be too big of a financial risk. The Joes were sent to destruction in a nearby Cleveland funeral home. One way or another the pre-conditioning must have worked. The myth goes that the Joes were so tough that they survived the flames. In reality they probably organized an escape from a poorly secured cardboard box. Either way they didn’t look back from there.
“The Joes were shrewd and tough and quickly took over the midwest. In under a year they were fighting the G.I. Joes, who despite their good guy image had fought their way to the top of the criminal world. They weren’t known for their brains, though, and it didn’t take long for the Average Joes to assume control of the toy mafia.”
J.J. interrupted, “So... the group we are dealing with are basically care bears gone bad?”
William answered very seriously, “Yeah, that’s right. But don’t underestimate them.”
Mrs. Claus shook her head, “I can’t believe he got us into this... again.”
Chapter 7
Papa Bear sat down in his swivel chair and turned to face the others. He was light brown with a grass stain and was the de facto leader of the Joes, as they called themselves. He sat in one of several chairs that were placed in a circle in a room that resembled the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise. The chairs were all sunk a couple of steps from the rest of the room. They had installed an enormous television at one “end” of the circle and were surrounded by several computers, which were at a higher level- just like on television. They didn’t have much use for the computers, but had several humans hired to take care of all of the modern details.
Papa Bear had the room specially made as a tribute to all of the Star Trek re-runs that they saw in their pre-conditioning. He had insisted on this design not only because it was cool but it also served as a reminder of their origins.
Sitting next to Papa Bear were Rocky (grey with ketchup stain) and Bullwinkle (brown with beer stain), who were his “brothers” in the operation. The other Joes were around somewhere, but this was a strictly business meeting. That meant that these three had serious matters to discuss.
Papa Bear turned off the t.v. and said, “Santa has opened up a web page where parents can order handmade toys from the North Pole.”
Rocky added, “We’re on it already. We had some of the humans check the site and do the math. They’re making a handsome profit margin and that is not part of our agreement.”
Bullwinkle looked at Poppa Bear, “What do you want we should do?”
Papa Bear answered, “Let’s take the high road. For once.”
Rocky asked, “Summit?”
Papa Bear nodded, “Yes. I think a summit is in order. I’ll call Santa myself and set it up at their place. We’ll see how it goes. I have heard that he can be stubborn but that his crew are fairly reasonable.”
Bullwinkle looked disappointed, “So we talk to them?”
Papa Bear answered, “We’ll try that first. If that doesn’t work then we’ll see if we can’t find more persuasive methods.”
Chapter 8
Back at The Pole Alfred walked into the board room together with Leroy, who was dressed nicely in a pair of designer jeans with a light blue shirt and camel brown wool vest.
Leroy walked directly over to William and gave him a hug.
He asked, “Everything good?”
“Stressful but good.” answered William.
Leroy took a step over and kissed Liz on the cheek
He made sure to do the same with Mrs. Claus, who turned quickly at the last minute and gave him a huge kiss on the lips. Leroy laughed and went over to J.J. to shake his hand.
Leroy looked at the group and said, “I suppose it’s like usual. You called, so you must have a problem. Just so that y’all don’t worry, I’m doing fine in Copenhagen. I am settled in and am gettin’ the hang of the language. Let’s get down to business.”
William said by way of apology, “Listen, man, a week ago we were normal busy and now Mr. Claus has got us knee-deep in lego tax problems.”
Leroy replied nonchalantly, “So that’s why you called.”
Leroy looked around the group before asking, “So where is the big man?”
Mrs. Claus answered with blatant irritation, “Probably back at The Manor trying to figure out how he can talk himself out of this.”
Leroy said, “That doesn’t seem likely in this case. Okay, we’ll need to get started without him. It may be for the best, especially if he is being stubborn.”
William explained in more detail what the situation was, “We opened up a web page a couple of weeks back. Mr. Claus decided to sell the toys on the internet and to use our sleds for distribution. He figured that we would still do the same work but that we wouldn’t have to deliver everything in a single night. It made sense and we arranged everything and even put in a nice profit. It was this morning that he explained that he hadn’t made a new agreement with the organization.”
Leroy looked at William, “The Joes probably aren’t taking too kindly to this.”
Mrs. Claus looked at Leroy, “That is probably an understatement.”
Chapter 9
Mr. Claus walked backed into the board room and looked at everyone before he sat down. He waited a short time but was obviously too nervous to sit. He rose again and started to pace back and forth.
Leroy was the first to speak, “Hello Mr. Claus. It’s nice to see you again.”
“Hmm...”
“So what is the current status?” asked Leroy ignoring Mr. Claus’s childish attitude.
Mr. Claus answered, “The Joes have asked for a summit.”
Leroy had counted on this, “We are already prepared. We have made a plan A and plan B. We don’t want to be caught without options.”
Mr. Claus stopped his pacing and looked at Leroy, “I won’t be intimidated by the Joes. Or anyone else. I ‘m Santa. And they are just defunct toys.”
Leroy looked directly at Mr. Claus, “We’re gonna need you to calm down before they get here.”
“Honey, it’s real important that you treat them with respect.” added Mrs. Claus.
Leroy looked at her and smiled then turned back to Mr. Claus, “Everybody’s cool. Our plan A is that we go about business as usual. Plan B is that the agreement with the Joes is amended to reflect your new business situation.”
Mr. Claus smiled knowing that he had won a small victory by having plan A on the table at all.
Leroy looked around at everyone and said, “Okay they are all about respect, so I will sit next to Mr. Claus across from them. Everyone will sit behind us and please be quiet no matter what is said.”
He focused on Mr. Claus, “Let me do all of the talking. Do NOT say anything unless I defer to you. Nothing. I know what you want out of the meeting. The last thing we want to do is to piss them off. Are we clear?”
Mr. Claus just nodded without saying a word.
William asked, “When will they arrive Mr. Claus?”
“They will be here in five minutes.” answered Mr. Claus.
“Okay, everyone, relax. Our sit-down is about to start.” said Leroy looking around at everyone.
Chapter 10
Papa Bear, Rocky and Bullwinkle arrived right on time followed by an entourage of three humans. William had expected them to be bigger but they were dwarfed by everyone else in the room. Despite their stature they exuded power and lived fully up to their reputation.
William and the others remained seated as per Leroy’s instructions. The three Joes sat down in the chairs across from Leroy and Mr. Claus. Their entourage sat behind them so that both sides were arranged similarly.
Leroy was silent so Papa Bear started, “I’ve heard a lot about the changes here. My compliments to you Mr. Claus. This is a fine place that you have.”
Leroy looked at Mr. Claus, who was about to reply but stopped.
Leroy replied instead, “Thanks, and we’re happy that you wanted to meet with us.”
Papa Bear looked at Leroy, “Okay. So are we talking to you?”
Leroy answered, “Yes.”
Papa Bear waited for some clarification, but when none was forthcoming he got right to the point, “It has been brought to our attention that you have changed your business practices. We can see that you have started an internet business that according to our calculations includes a respectable profit margin.”
Leroy answered, “Yes.”
Papa Bear continued unflustered by Leroy’s terse answers, “And you are aware that you have an agreement with our organization. An agreement that we consider to be binding.”
Leroy said, “We are aware of the agreement, yes.”
Papa Bear said, “Then you realize that you are no longer within the terms of that agreement. And we are here to help clear up this misunderstanding in person. Mr. Claus is a person of standing in our world and the last thing that we want is to misunderstand one another.”
Leroy said, “There is no misunderstanding. Mr. Claus is disappointed with the diminishing mystique of Santa Claus and decided to change his role in the holiday season. We still make toys as we always did and deliver them to children. That has not changed.”
Papa Bear looked blankly at Leroy, “We didn’t come today to argue. We came in the spirit of Christmas and had hoped for your cooperation.”
Mr. Claus stood up and and laughed as he strolled out of the board room, “Cooperation my ass.”
Leroy managed to keep his irritation hidden but the Joes were not amused.
Papa Bear looked at Leroy, “I had hoped that we could have done this in a different way.”
Leroy didn’t answer and simply watched as the Joes and their entourage left the board room.
William looked at Leroy shaking his head, “Unbelievable.”
“Yes, it’s time to batten down the hatches.”
Chapter 11
When the Joes had arrived back at the bridge the mood was somber. The three sat down to figure out how to go forward after their meeting with Mr. Claus.
Papa Bear started, “He has always been stubborn, but I had hoped for something more.”
Bullwinkle smiled and said, “Now is it time?”
Rocky broke in, looking concerned, “I think we ought to consider that it is Christmas.”
Papa Bear replied, “As I said he is an important player and I respect his position. But, we tried the simple way and that didn’t work.”
Rocky answered, “But it’s Santa. And it’s Christmas.”
Papa Bear replied, “Yes that’s why we are going to make our position more clear. Okay Bullwinkle here’s what we are going to do.”
Papa Bear explained his plan and Bullwinkle looked very happy in clear contrast to Rocky.
Chapter 12
William looked over and nodded to Mrs. Claus, who understood and picked up her phone and walked out of the room to get more privacy.
She walked back in looking serious and said, “Okay, he’s on his way back.”
William said, “To apologize I hope.”
Mrs. Claus said snidely, “I doubt it. Not before someone gets killed. And that’s only a maybe.”
Leroy spoke seriously, “Let’s not even think along those lines. He doesn’t need to apologize, by the way, just change his mind.”
No one spoke for what seemed to be a long time before Mr. Claus strolled into the board room.
Leroy looked at everyone else as if to say I’ll handle this one and then he spoke to Mr. Claus, “I thought that we had a clear plan.”
Mr. Claus answered, “They weren’t interested in making a new agreement.”
Leroy appeared irritated and spoke very deliberately, “We won’t know that. At least not the easy way.”
Mr. Claus didn’t answer.
Leroy continued, “I would appreciate it if you followed the plan next time that we are negotiating with the heads of a major crime family.”
Mr. Claus remained silent.
Leroy continued in a friendlier tone and addressed the whole group, “Alright we haven’t seen the last of them. That was a major disrespect that will not go without retribution.”
Mr. Claus started to look worried as reality dawned on him, “You mean like a hit?”
Leroy answered barely keeping his calm, “Yeah, what did you think would happen you walk out of a meeting with the Joes?”
Mr. Claus looked concerned, but he didn’t say anything
Leroy had regained his composure, “It doesn’t make sense for all of us to stay here. Mr. Claus, we have to get you out of here. William- you and I will go to Copenhagen, which they probably won’t expect. Rosemary, Liz, Alfred and J.J.- can you stay here and keep the business going? Christmas can’t stop because of this.”
Liz answered confidently, “You got it. No problem. We’ll make sure that it’s business as usual.”
Leroy looked over to Alfred and said, “Can you give us a lift?”
Chapter 13
Alfred met them out in front of the building at the wheel of a burgundy 1971 Cadillac Fleetwood with a white vinyl top and matching interior. The sled, or sleigh, as Mr. Claus and Alfred liked to call them was their preferred form of transportation. Contrary to popular belief they weren’t powered by reindeer anymore but rather by a hydrogen drive. William couldn’t remember all of the details, that was Alfred’s department. The inside of the car was similar to the original version with the exception of a touch screen that was used to control everything in the car.
Leroy smiled and looked toward Alfred, “That’s bad, man.”
William could hear the South Side of Chicago coming out in Leroy, but it was fleeting.
As they climbed into the Cadillac Leroy was back to business and gave Alfred the coordinates to a small house in a suburb of Copenhagen.
After they took off Leroy grabbed a phone that was lying on the front seat of the car and handed it to Mr. Claus, “This is your new phone. J.J. made sure that it has the same phone number but he also did something to it so that it isn’t possible to trace the coordinates every time you use the phone. He said that it isn’t a foolproof system, but that he doesn’t know anyone who can break it.”
Mr. Claus fished his signature red phone out of a pocket and handed it to Leroy. In return he was handed a common black one.
During the trip Leroy was uncharacteristically talkative, “So Mr. Claus how is everything going with the new site?”
Mr. Claus shrugged like it was no big deal, “It’s not without some backlash, but so far, so good.”
Leroy had been waiting for the right time to ask, “Speaking of good I can’t believe that you gave up on the good kid, bad kid thing?”
Mr. Claus took the question at face value, as it was intended, “It’s more that the good kid, bad kid thing has given up on Santa Claus. Let’s be honest here- bad kids get just as many presents as good kids. Our contribution is small compared to the modern gifts these days. It’s been years since we gave out lumps of coal. Maybe we should go back to that though. It’s probably worth more than the plastic crap that most people buy.”
Leroy said in a serious tone, “So this whole things isn’t just a trial run?”
“We’ve changed our business model.”
William couldn’t figure out where the conversation was going, but didn’t see any point in finding out, “Listen, business models aside, I think that we need to focus on the problem at hand.”
For the first time since the start of December Mr. Claus chuckled to himself and said, “I guess I’ll be getting coal this year, huh?”
William answered with a smile on his face, “It’s a distinct possibility.”
Leroy smiled and added, “A whole lot of coal. Depending on how things go down.”
Mr. Claus looked more serious, “Okay, I don’t want to change the new system without giving it a chance, but I can see that the Joes mean business.”
Leroy answered, “Yeah, they are pure business.”
Mr. Claus, “Alright let’s work on that plan B.”
Everyone smiled in relief as they landed in front of a small house with a neatly trimmed hedge. They got out of the car and waved to Alfred as he headed back to The Pole.
Chapter 14
Back at The Pole Alfred checked the board room to see who was there. It was surprisingly empty, so he took out his phone and called Liz.
Liz picked up the phone and said in a solemn voice, “Get over to The Manor now.”
She hung up before Alfred could say anything.
When Alfred arrived at The Manor, J.J. was waiting at the front door for him.
“They’re up in the master bedroom,” said J.J. as he nodded upward towards the stairs.
“What’s up?” asked Alfred, who couldn’t quite figure out how to play this.
“You better see for yourself.”
Alfred went calmly up the stairs despite feeling very tense. J.J. followed him in his distinctly fluid movements that came from years of taekwondo. When he got to the top of the stairs Alfred headed toward the master bedroom.
Alfred stuck his head in the door and the first sight that caught him was a messy bed with blood stains on the sheets. He looked quickly over to Mrs. Claus and Liz, who simply both nodded toward the bed. Alfred approached it cautiously. There was a shape under the sheets from which the blood had come. Alfred took a deep breath and pulled back the sheet to reveal a severed reindeer’s head.
Alfred was still for several moments before he looked over to J.J., who was standing next to the two ladies. J.J. nodded knowingly to Alfred, who understood immediately what that meant.
“So it was the Joes?” asked Alfred, knowing the answer to his question.
“A Nordic offer you can’t refuse.” said Mrs. Claus, who was trying to be snide but it came out half-heartedly.
J.J. offered some more details for Alfred, “There wasn’t a note, but I think that the meaning is pretty clear.”
“Very clear,” added Alfred as the shock started to hit him.
Chapter 15
Liz grabbed her phone out of bag and called William.
She started hesitantly, “Hi, um... we, um... something weird has happened.”
William said calmly, “Okay, Liz, just take it slowly.”
Liz settled down, “Alright. We are standing in the master bedroom at The Manor and it’s totally gross. Someone has put a severed reindeer head in the bed. There’s blood everywhere and we’re worried.”
William paused before asking, “Like in the movie?”
Liz answered, “Just like in that movie.”
William said, “Wait a second let me talk to Leroy.”
He came back on, “Leroy says not to worry. This is all about Mr. Claus. Make sure that Mrs. Claus is not alone for at least the next day and get rid of the mess. It’s a message and it has been received loud and clear. We’ll take care of it from our end.”
Liz said, “Okay, but Mrs. Claus is pretty freaked out.”
William answered, “It’s unfortunate that we had to come to this. I could ask Mr. Claus to call, but I don’t think that he will be much help here. It isn’t his strong point to start with and the situation will probably freak him out just as much. We’ll have to tell him now.”
After William was done talking to Liz, he put away and turned toward Leroy.
“An offer you can’t refuse, huh?” commented Leroy.
William added, “It worked in the movie, but I don’t know about Mr. Claus.”
Leroy said, “He should take this very seriously, though. They are planning something more drastic- probably as we speak.”
“Let’s go in and tell him.” said William as they walked toward the living room.
Mr. Claus was watching the tube even that he didn’t understand a word. He liked that everything was basically the same but had a different vibe. It was just as well that he didn’t understand anything as his thoughts were elsewhere. He was starting to regret the change to internet shopping. At the same time he was having trouble with the idea of bowing down to anyone.
William and Leroy entered and Mr. Claus shut off the television.
Leroy started slowly and seriously, “We have some news from The Manor.”
Mr. Claus blurted out, “Oh no, not another kidnapping, we have had our share of those.”
“No, but the Joes have sent a definite message.”
Mr. Claus took a deep breath then let it out, “Let me have it.”
Leroy explained, “They put a severed reindeer’s head in your bed and everyone there, including Mrs. Claus, are scared and freaked out.”
Mr. Claus shrugged his shoulders and asked increduously, “That’s it?”
Leroy was very composed in his answer, “This is not just a stunt. This is definitely not the last we have heard from the Joes. They are simply giving us a chance to change our minds. If we don’t answer them now then they will escalate.”
Mr. Claus now looked as serious as Leroy, “Escalate?”
Leroy said, “Next time it won’t be Comet, it will be you.”
Chapter 16
Back on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise, Papa Bear, Rocky and Bullwinkle were sitting in their swivel chairs. They were silent as they waited for the room to clear. They didn’t seem tense, but considering that they hadn’t heard from Mr. or Mrs. Claus the warning had gone unheeded.
As the last human left the room, Rocky started, “Alright, I know it’s Santa and it’s Christmas and all of that, and we have now given them plenty of leeway. I had hoped that he would be more reasonable, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”
Bullwinkle smiled, knowing where this was headed.
Papa Bear said, “No he doesn’t seem to be reasonable and we have been more than kind. Beyond what is necessary.”
Rocky was starting to plan, “Okay, we know that he isn’t at The Pole any longer. He has apparently gotten rid of his normal phone because that’s at The Pole. We also know that he is probably with William and Leroy.”
Bullwinkle asked, “What do we know about those two?”
Rocky answered, “William is calm and capable, but it’s Leroy that requires our focus. You can see it on him that he thrives when the action starts.”
Bullwinkle said confidently, “I can take care of him.”
Papa Bear interrupted Rocky as he was about to reply, “Okay, I think that we can agree that Leroy is a key figure and will require extra attention. Now Bullwinkle I want you to focus on Mr. Claus. We’ll assemble a team to take care of the other two. Okay?”
Bullwinkle nodded, though it was obvious that his ego took a direct blow.
Papa Bear looked at Rocky, “The focus here is on getting Mr. Claus out of the picture, do we agree?”
Rocky and Bullwinkle nodded.
Chapter 17
Rocky got up from his chair and walked out of the bridge room into an adjacent room that was mundane by comparison. It was sparsely decorated and contained computers along each wall and had an island in the middle on which stood a coffee maker and a stand with an impressive variety of cakes and candy. The drawers in the island were actually refrigerators and held a variety of beverages, most with a remarkable caffeine level. At each computer sat a human and they were all busy looking at their screens.
Rocky walked to the other side of the room to talk with Jimbo, who was their de facto leader. Much like in a group of wild animals Jimbo was the alpha male of the computer geek flock. He was by far the most gifted and it was said that he could get himself into any computer system in the world.
As Rocky approached Jimbo swiveled around in his chair and looked down at Rocky.
“So you want to find Santa Claus?” asked Jimbo already knowing the answer to his question.
“Yes, we want to know where to get hold of Mr. Claus.” replied Rocky.
Jimbo replied frankly, “I can’t tell you where he is.”
Rocky was impressed as usually they could find anyone, anyplace.
Jimbo explained, “Well, we can find his phone, but that is stationary at The Pole and therefore I assume that he is not with his phone.”
Rocky nodded and replied, “A reasonable assumption.”
Rocky went quiet assuming that Jimbo had more information.
Jimbo waited for effect then smiled and said, “But I know where William the good little elf is.”
“Excellent,” replied Rocky smiling as well.
Chapter 18
“Visitors!” yelled Leroy as he ran into Mr. Claus.
William came running as well and it was clear that something was going down. He didn’t have to wait very long to get an explanation.
Leroy shoved Mr. Claus through the basement door and said, “Get down there and no matter what be quiet. No change of plans this time.”
Mr. Claus didn’t say anything and hustled down the stairs.
Leroy turned to William and explained briefly but not excitedly, “We have about two minutes before three men plus the Joes storm the house.”
William was impressed and asked, “How did you know?”
Leroy explained, “I have some people that owe me favors placed on the two streets that lead into here. They have been watching 24/7 for grown men with teddy bears. And one of them just texted me.”
“So how do we know it’s the Joes?” asked William.
Leroy answered, “Grown men, teddy bears. Come on. They didn’t even have kids in the car to confuse things a little. Apparently they are not taking us too seriously.”
William replied, “I guess not.”
Leroy pointed for William to take his place and then answered, “Remember our plan.”
William nodded.
Two minutes later the front door came crashing down in the middle of the entrance hall that opened into the living room on one side and a modest dining room on the other. Three people armed with shotguns flooded into the house followed by Bullwinkle. Papa Bear and Rocky waited out front to make sure that the neighbors didn’t get too nosy.
The first person through the door suddenly dropped his shotgun and grabbed his left shoulder with his right hand. He collapsed and lay very still. The next two also grabbed their shoulders and as they fell to the floor. All three lay silent.
Bullwinkle stopped on his way in through the door when he realized that they had been ambushed. He lowered his weapon to his side and started slowly backing up.
Leroy stood up from behind the lounge chair with a dart gun in one hand and a pistol in the other and walked toward the entrance hall. He had the pistol aimed directly at Bullwinkle, who stopped.
Leroy said to Bullwinkle in a firm tone, “Y’all get on out of here.”
Bullwinkle stared back before turning around. He walked to Papa Bear and Rocky and they left down the street.
Chapter 19
Mr. Claus stuck his head out from behind the basement door, “Hey are Mama Bear and the other care bears gone?”
Leroy nodded, “Yeah.”
Mr. Claus smiled and took out his telephone.
“Stop!” shouted William and Leroy in unison.
Leroy stepped toward Mr. Claus, “Give me the phone.”
Then he turned toward William, “Yours, too.”
William realized that it was probably a phone call that they had traced. Leroy took both phones and threw them on the couch.
Leroy pulled out his own phone, which was a disposable one that had never been used before and was in the name of the house’s owner. He sent a message to Alfred asking for him to send two sleighs. He threw the phone on the couch with the others.
Leroy said, “Alright Alfred is coming with J.J. and two sleighs. We are getting close to Christmas and it’s time to end this business with the Joes here and now. Mr. Claus you go with J.J. and William and I will go with Alfred.”
The sleighs arrived and they went their separate ways.
Chapter 20
The Joes were back in the safety of the bridge. Bullwinkle looked ragged and dejected after their failed hit attempt in Copenhagen. The other two were disappointed because they knew that they would never live this down. There would be no end to the jokes about getting ambushed by Santa Claus.
Papa Bear started their meeting, “I think that we are going to have to take a different approach.”
Rocky asked, “What are you thinking about?”
Papa Bear answered, “They are probably headed back to The Pole. We take the direct approach and level the whole place.”
Bullwinkle livened up at the thought.
Rocky said respectfully, “That’s too bold. We could just as well advertise that it was us after the fiasco in Copenhagen. I think that we ought to let things lie until after Christmas. We can start again when things are quiet again in January.”
Bullwinkle slumped in his chair.
Papa Bear argued, “This is Santa Claus not Don Corleone. It can’t be that challenging, we just need a bit more firepower.”
Bullwinkle straightened up again.
Rocky was patient with his answer, “It’s not the force I am concerned with, it’s the timing. We are not in a business where we want attention. It’s only a couple of days to Christmas and we’re talking about Santa Claus. And not no mall Santa either, it’s the real deal. This would be big news.”
Papa Bear said, “It would have been big news in Copenhagen, but that didn’t stop us.”
Rocky answered, “But there we could work in private. At The Pole, things will be more out in the open.”
Papa Bear was rubbing his chain and formulating an answer while Bullwinkle looked anxious at the thought of getting back at Mr. Claus. They were startled by a rapping knock on the door. They weren’t to be disturbed in their private meetings and Papa Bear looked toward the door, clearly irritated. He reached down, pushed a big red button and the door slid open. In the doorway stood Mr. Claus together with J.J.
Chapter 21
The Joes couldn’t believe their eyes. Not two seconds ago they were talking about how to get to Mr. Claus at The Pole and there he stood with one of his elves.
“Hi, I hope you don’t mind the intrusion,” said Mr. Claus as he and J.J. entered the room.
“No, please, make yourselves at home,” said Papa Bear as if they were old business acquaintances.
Mr. Claus and J.J. sat down across from Papa Bear, Rocky and Bullwinkle.
#
Alfred, Leroy and William had decided to take a detour on their way to The Pole.
Leroy said to Alfred, “Take us to the Joes. We’ll get this straightened out face-to-face.”
Alfred made a mock salute with his right hand, “Aye-aye captain.”
Leroy smiled and laughed.
As they landed at the Joes’ complex they were all clearly surprised by what they saw. The sleigh that J.J. had used to take Mr. Claus back to The Pole was parked just outside.
Leroy looked at Alfred, “How did they get here before us?”
Alfred answered calmly, “I took it easy on the throttle. I didn’t see any reason to waste fuel.”
William looked toward the other two, “I think that the more important question is why.”
Leroy replied, “Good question. This is the last place I would have expected to see Mr. Claus.”
Alfred offered a suggestion, “Maybe, just maybe, he has had a change of heart and has come to broker a deal.”
Leroy scrunched his face and relaxed it, “That’s possible. Whatever is going on we need to be on the lookout. But remember this is their domain, so no cowboy antics.”
They piled out of the sleigh.
Chapter 22
Leroy led the way into the compound and showed a surprising knowledge of the layout. Yet another Jedi trick from Leroy, thought William.
They passed a room with a bunch of computers that was obviously the technical heart and soul of the Joes’ empire. There was a whole flock of computer types, who looked out at them but didn’t appear to want to get involved in any way, shape or form. They arrived at a sliding door, that looked like it was direct from a movie set. Leroy raised his hand for them to stop.
Leroy squared up with the door and kicked it as hard as he could. It gave so easily that he nearly fell forward onto the door. He caught his balance and they entered into what appeared to the bridge from the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Weird, but cool, thought William.
Across from the door in the sunken part of the bridge, Mr. Claus relaxed in a swivelling captain’s chair. On the floor in front of him sat Papa Bear, Rocky and Bullwinkle. J.J. stood over them with his game face on.
“Man, somebody pissed off J.J.,” said Alfred confidently.
Leroy was taking in the situation, “So J.J. knows how to take care of himself?”
Alfred explained, “J.J. is a black belt in taekwondo, but he’s not one of those martial arts hard-asses. He’s quiet about it and he can really surprise people. When necessary.”
Leroy laughed, “Damn, I’d say so.”
J.J. looked over to them with a slight smile on his face, “What are you gonna do when the cavalry arrives late?”
Mr. Claus stood up and looked down at the Joes then back up again and said excitedly, “You should have seen it. We were all sitting in chairs looking at one another, waiting for someone to make the first move. I was expecting some kind of threat and I was ready to give in. Before anything was said Bullwinkle there reached down beside his chair and took out a pistol. As he raised it, J.J. was out of his chair and in front of Bullwinkle in no time. Before Bullwinkle could react J.J. had taken the pistol from his hand and held him by the scruff of the neck with his other hand. We set them down in the middle of the floor together and that’s when you walked in. Craziest thing I ever saw.”
Leroy gave J.J. a fist bump and just smiled. J.J. smiled back.
Leroy got more serious and looked down at the Joes, “Alright, no more shit from you guys. We won’t interfere in your other business dealings and you leave us alone. That’s the new agreement.”
Papa Bear nodded and the deal was sealed.
Mr. Claus, William, Alfred, J.J. and Leroy left the bridge and headed out to the sleighs on their way back to The Pole.
Chapter 23
Back at The Pole everyone met in the board room and Mr. Claus regaled them with the story of the hit attempt and the meeting with the Joes where J.J. disarmed Bullwinkle. The atmosphere was relaxed compared with the rest of the month, but there was the last detail of the gifts.
Mrs. Claus broke the ice, “So Santa, honey, isn’t it about time to get the bags packed for the big night?”
“What?” asked Mr. Claus with mock surprise.
Mrs. Claus took a sip of her bourbon and played along, “Gifts, kids, it’s time to get back on your horse cowboy and get on out there.”
Mr. Claus was trying to keep looking serious and asked, “But what about the internet?”
Mrs. Claus smiled back, “Don’t you worry about that. We were one step ahead of you the whole time. Liz and I together with Alfred and J.J. made sure to send out a gift voucher to each of the kids and logged their order in our database. We took their parents credit card info but never charged their cards. So, it’s back to old school Christmas.”
Mr. Claus smiled and seemed relieved, “I thought as much. I hadn’t counted on getting the day off, but the idea was nice.”
Mrs. Claus said, “You’re welcome, dear. Now let’s get going. J.J. and Alfred have already made a route with a list of the toys and everything that you need. The sleigh is ready and everything is packed. Now get yourself some sleep you have a big day ahead of you.”
Mr. Claus smiled mischievously at her, “How about a nightcap?”
She grabbed him by the hand and they walked out of the board room.
Chapter 24
Mr. Claus looked relaxed after a good night back at The Manor. He was in his traditional suit and sat in the front seat of Santa 1, which is what they called the sleigh that they used on Christmas Eve. All of the elves were there along with Leroy and Mrs. Claus.
Mr. Claus looked at Alfred, “So everything is programmed in?”
“We’re all systems go,” replied Alfred proudly.
Mr. Claus smiled as he took the reigns in his hands.
He snapped the reigns and the sleigh started forward.
“Don’t wait up,” he said as he looked over and waved.
William looked at the others and said with a smile, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
They laughed.
