Mr. Claus Shapes Up (2010)
1
Summer
A remote tropical island
The piña colada in his hand was still cool and he rubbed it against his forehead and let the condensation run down his face. It tingled and seemed to take some of the heat as the water evaporated. He took a sip and set the glass down. Mr. Claus laid back in his bamboo lounge chair. He scanned from right to left through his black and white wayfarers and all he could see was white sand, blue water, palm trees and a calm sky. The winter was a rough gig, but the rest of the year was worth it all.
He preferred the tropics, especially the more exotic places, where there was some service but not too much hustle and bustle. He spent a lot of time in the air and had made a mental list of places he really ought to visit in the off-season. The missus joined him for a lot of his down time, but she needed places with a bit more action and often toured around Europe making sure that her wardrobe was up to standard. It wasn’t a problem for her as she wasn’t the brand that he was. He couldn’t be bothered with all of the commotion. He got his fill of the city landscape on Christmas Eve and preferred places without chimneys where he wouldn’t be reminded of work.
He was immensely proud of his job and over the last few years he had modernized the North Pole, or The Pole as everyone called it. He formed a management group, ditched the green velour outfits and even went live this year with his own website. The elves had been pushing for this for years and it finally felt right to him. He didn’t yet care to start with any of those social networking sites even that nearly everyone else was using them.
He needed time away from The Pole and loved his beaches. He couldn’t remember the name of this particular place, but he wasn’t good with names anyway and installation of GPS in the sleigh didn’t help. This place was some prime real estate and had everything he needed- a small bar on the beach and wireless internet. He had picked up one of those iPads and liked to check events once in a while. He was already starting to get e-mails from eager kids, but ignored them knowing that one of the elves would take care of it.
He had been hitting the beaches for as long as he could remember and had a few years back been worried about being recognized. He could just see the front page of a paper in New York or London of him in shades and black speedos with a strawberry daiquiri in his hand. But no one paid any extra attention to him. He trimmed his beard and lost the hat and glasses. He looked like any other hip grandpa on the beach right down to the roving eye, at least when Mrs. Claus was off shopping.
2
Summer
A remote tropical island
Mr. Claus finished his book and couldn’t find anything else to read. The bar had a copy of Healthy, Wise & Buff, which was a niche magazine targeted to an older audience that like to keep themselves looking good. Mr. Claus really didn’t understand the concept as he was pretty healthy despite a few extra kilos. Well maybe it was more than a few extra kilos, but he didn’t smoke or anything. He was relatively sedentary, but got lots of exercise during the working winter. He thought running and biking were boring, bordering on excruciating. He had considered one of those cross-country skiing machines but still hadn’t gotten around to buying one.
The cover story in the magazine was about kayaking around some Mediterranean island and how to catch and roast good-sized sardines. He liked his oily fish, but this didn’t seem like the easiest way to go about it. He didn’t have anything else to read, though, and his iPad had run low on batteries. There was a teaser on the front page for a diabetes risk test. He was getting up in age and he thought that maybe he should check it out. It could save him a trip to the doctor.
He knew that he had an extraordinarily long life and had never really been sick but wasn’t sure about heart disease or diabetes. He had flying reindeers and had been asked many times about his magical powers. He didn’t think he had any. He couldn’t do a card trick to save his life. But he thought it was better to be safe than sorry where his health was concerned.
He was expecting the article to have a shocking picture of someone taking a handful of colorful pills, but it was all done quite tastefully. It was reassuring until he read the first question, which was about body mass index or something like that. His was actually pretty high and it went downhill from there. If he were to believe the magazine he should have died several years ago. While he was doing okay, it started him to think that maybe he could put himself together.
His thoughts fell to his stomach and he looked under the rim of his sunglasses at his torso. He couldn’t quite see his speedos, but he could feel them. He had always liked them because of the freedom of movement and up until now was glad that his stomach held them up. It was convenient. But he was troubled that he had to strain his head to see them. And in the light of people in the magazine he could see that he had actually become portly.
He had a fearful thought and stood up. He bent his legs at the knees and jumped as high as he could. He wasn’t sure that he actually left the sand but it was enough to start a ripple that traveled from his toes all the way up to his chin and seemingly back again. He realized as he felt the ripple dying out that it was time to drop the good life.
3
November
Las Vegas, Nevada
The casino manager was an ex-grifter named Holbrook who had switched to Red Bull in the morning. Coffee just didn’t taste right without bourbon. It had helped sharpen his senses, but it wasn’t always a blessing. He ran The Lady of the Galaxy, a decent place that catered to the middle class gambler. It was a calm morning on the floor. They usually were as The Lady had a decent clientele and didn’t have much trouble. Holbrook saw to that by keeping the quality of the drinks at a reasonable level and by not hiring waitresses that were too skanky. It cost him a bit more, but it was a good investment. But once in a while they still had things that didn’t go by the book.
Hokie was back again. He could always feel a strange presence just before he could hear the clear, bright voice from halfway across the floor.
“How’s it hangin’ Holbrook?” asked Hokie Hansen in a loud but oddly pleasant voice.
Holbrook couldn’t see him and didn’t know how Hokie always knew where he was, but Hokie Hansen had a way about him. Holbrook couldn’t understand how he kept himself so trim with the fervor that he attacked the buffet at lunchtime. He wasn’t a user and didn’t smoke, so it was a bit of a mystery. Hokie had an easy-going way about him and looked like a surfer with mangy sandy hair and bright bluish eyes. But he had a fair complexion that was unusual in the desert heat. He always wore a cotton t-shirt, khakis and some kind of old-school badminton shoes. They looked awfully Japanese but Hokie didn’t seem like a world traveler.
Holbrook answered politely, “Getting by one day at a time. What’s up with you this morning?”
“I thought I would play some dice. I’m feeling goo-ood.” answered Hokie.
Holbrook raised his eyebrows and thought, there goes my morning. He knew that Hokie was running a con of one kind or another because he never went home with less than he came with, but he never won more than he was always welcome back. No one was that lucky, but Holbrook hadn’t been able to figure out how he did it. He liked Hokie, though, and wasn’t going to do too much about it as long as it didn’t get out of hand. Beside the other customers were encouraged by seeing someone win. And there was something about him that was quite reassuring.
Hokie strode through the lobby of The Lady of the Galaxy with his head held high and headed directly toward the craps tables. Suddenly Holbrook could see a strange look on Hokie’s face as he stopped and looked toward the ceiling. As Hokie collapsed to the floor he could have sworn that he saw a bright flash of pink light. He looked around and quickly checked out the gamblers. They were intensely focused on their machines like nothing had happened. He looked back to Hokie, but he had disappeared.
4
November
Planet JS10.27
Hokie Hansen was fairly awake but his senses were lagging behind a bit after what seemed like a night of very deep sleep. He reassured himself that he was still at the casino before he dared opening his eyes, but the light, temperature and smell told him where he was. He opened his right eye and knew exactly where he was. Something deep inside felt pleasant, good to be home, but his logic took over in a split second. He breathed out, relaxed his body an instant and let out an audible “shit”. He was called back.
This was not good. He was just getting used to the Earth (or planet AZ45.89 as it was known here).
The other person in the room announced, “Welcome back Hokie. We have been following your transmissions from AZ45.89 and they have helped us to formulate a plan. It appears that it will be necessary with a termination prior to building the base.”
Things had gone from bad to worse. As far as Hokie had known they were just going to build a base on Earth. No one would know it was there. Their level of technology wasn’t even close to being advanced enough. But a termination was another matter altogether. That job would be given to someone else and he would be sent to one of those ice planets- he had finally gotten a decent planet to explore and now it was slipping away.
“With all due respect I thought that we were to simply establish a large base there. The Earthlings don’t have technology that could detect it. Why the change of plans? Why a termination?” asked Hokie trying to keep his composure.
Hokie looked directly at his boss and hoped that the worry on his face didn’t show. They didn’t use names or titles because they had become redundant on JS10.27. They used all of the senses to form a picture for the individual that allowed them to easily identify one another. Hokie’s picture of his boss was of a hairless Chihuahua with a red leather collar. Earth had heightened his mental gallery and just the thought of talking to a small hairless dog almost made him laugh.
His boss, whom he had nearly called Mr. Chihuahua, looked at him and in a calm but firm voice and said, “The leader of this planet,” he referred to his notes and continued, “Santa Claus, seems like a whack job. That’s a useful expression that I culled from your report.”
Hokie realized that he had been reading too many crime novels at the time that he had written the report. He couldn’t see Santa Claus being targeted for termination.
Mr. Chihuahua continued, “We deem this planet to be highly unstable and, therefore, will need to install a more malleable leadership structure.”
Hokie knew that it would be up for discussion again. Despite lack of experience he needed the termination assignment if there was any hope of getting back to Earth.
5
November
The Pole
The Pole was not business as usual despite their upcoming deadline. Since Mr. Claus had come back unexpectedly from his typically long vacation, he wasn’t focusing on much beside his body mass index. William could remember the day that he arrived back.
“Hi William. I had the most enlightening experience on the beach.”
“Uhm, I am not sure that I wan’t to hear this.” answered William.
“No, man, it’s not that.” countered Mr. Claus shaking his head.
Mr. Claus explained that things were going to be different going forward. William feared for a second that he might have to fire all of the elves and buy a bunch of robots before the December rush.
If it had only turned out that simple.
Mr. Claus explained what the deal was. He told him in all sincerity that he needed to lower his body mass index or he would die of heart disease and diabetes.
“Oh… That sounds healthy.” answered William and caught himself thinking, oh great, a skinny Santa- next he’ll want to lose the beard and suit.
As the weeks passed by William realized that Mr. Claus had been quite serious. William was impressed as he saw the kilos disappear. He had lost a lot of weight since the summer and was in the neighborhood of being trim. An unfortunate side effect was that he had gone from being relaxed and jolly to being slightly pious about exercising and eating right. He was driving William crazy.
Mr. Claus had started with running and doing push-ups but soon went over to what William would have called aerobics. Mr. Claus called it something that contained high-impact and toning, but William tended to be a selective listener when the discussion invariably got to exercising and ‘living right’.
Mr. Claus had been slowly doing his own routines to the music he liked. He was surprisingly fond of rap and metal and the beats lent themselves well to a good workout. Some of his creations were better than others, though. He was constantly getting William to try new ideas. Apparently Mrs. Claus had refused to have anything to do with them but William was a bit more polite. The newest one was based solely on rap.
“Come on William. I got it perfected. I’ll teach it to you- no problem.”
Mr. Claus looked at William like it was an offer that he could refuse but that it wouldn’t be a good idea.
William said, “I don’t know, man. ‘Sweating Like Slim’?”
William paused and added, “It sounds like something that would make Richard Simmons turn over in his grave.”
He went on trying to change the subject, “Uhm- is that guy still alive?”
“Who cares? Richard Simmons is a pussy, man.” remarked Santa matter of factly.
William wasn’t sure he would go that far. He wanted out of this discussion and tried another approach.
“I like Eminem and all, but I don’t see his music as the basis for an exercise program.”
Santa explained triumphantly with a smug smile, “That’s what makes it cool. It has a twist and it rocks. It’s even better than my Freebird routine.”
William glanced down at his green cowboy boots, which weren’t quite designed for aerobics, and looked up at Mr. Claus. He cocked his head to one side, scrunched up his face slightly and said, “I’ll have to take a rain check.” He straightened out his face and continued, “I have to get on with preparing for Christmas Eve.”
“Suit yourself, William, but you’re missing a serious adrenaline rush.”
“Let me know when you do a Merle Haggard routine and I’m there.”
Mr. Claus chuckled as he left and William thought he could hear him singing the chorus of “Swinging Doors”,
And I've got swinging doors, a jukebox and a barstool
And my new home has got a flashing neon sign
Stop by and see me anytime you want to
‘Cause I'm always here at home ‘til closing time…
6
The Pole
Mrs. Claus didn’t believe her husband when he came home and announced that he was going to lose weight. The man had an appetite like a horse and had always been happy to keep his round form. She asked about his exercise at first but was soon tired of his “if I can then you can” attitude. She had always had the same conviction about his lack of fashion, but he didn’t care much about that. Maybe his weight loss would change that. It had certainly changed a few things in the bedroom. She just didn’t want to have anything to do with his routines.
They had reached a status quo. He quit talking about his exercise routines and she started drinking in the morning again. Mr. Claus didn’t know about this arrangement and was so absorbed in his losing weight that he hadn’t noticed.
“Hi honey, good morning.” said Mrs. Claus as her husband came in the kitchen door with his cheeks red after a workout.
“I made you some of that oatmeal you like with a bit of cinnamon and sugar, but not too much.”
“Thanks Rosemary. Oatmeal sounds like it will really hit the spot.”
“Here you go, honey.”
He was hungry and he dug in. She was a lousy cook but made great oatmeal. It was fluffy and not too sweet.
Mr. Claus looked around the kitchen and flashed back to last year at this time. He would be sitting over a plate of pancakes with lots of syrup and bacon. It was hard work keeping the weight on to fit into the suit. He would need a new suit this year and was even thinking about losing the beard. He knew that the suit was important to think about but peanuts compared to getting everything ready. He wasn’t sure exactly how things were going and needed to get up-to-speed and had to start focusing on his job.
Out of nowhere Mr. Claus felt a surge go through his body and twitched involuntarily. A thought struck him and traveled directly to his mouth with a minimal residence time in his brain.
“You know Rosemary, we’re inundated with pictures of kids that look like the Michelin man and all we give them are dolls and toy guns. We can do better than that. We have to do better than that.”
She didn’t say anything but her stare said it all. Mr. Claus didn’t pick up on it at all, though.
“We could do the whole world a favor by giving each kid dried fruit and nut bars and a bottle of genuine North Pole water. We can make different labels for the bottles with pictures of each of the reindeers so that kids can trade them. It will be great- like baseball cards in the old days.”
Mrs. Claus breathed slowly in and counted to ten. It was one thing that he wanted to lose weight, but it was something altogether different to push it on the kids of the world. She couldn’t disagree with him more and it must have been obvious.
Mr. Claus had picked up on this. “What’s wrong? You’re counting to ten, aren’t you?”
“You’re Santa Claus- you can’t give kids food and water. What they eat is none of your business. And how many kids are going to be happy for bottled water?”
She was happy that she had gone over to orange juice and Campari in the morning. It kept her language relatively civilized and helped her keep her first thoughts to herself.
“What do you mean? We have an obesity epidemic. And if Santa can put himself together then so can all the kiddies of the world.”
Mrs. Claus shook his head. “You don’t get it, do you? The kids like you because you bring them something that they want. You’ll ruin your status.”
“Nonsense! The parents will love me for it and it’s them that keep me popular. Four year olds don’t find me on the net, well maybe some of them do, but most of them hear about me from their parents. It’s a great plan and will show that I can roll with the times.”
Mrs. Claus shook her head in resignation.
“Have you told the elves? Does William know?”
Mr. Claus shook his head and said, “Not yet.”
Mrs. Claus didn’t want to be there for that conversation.
7
Planet JS10.27
Hokie and Mr. Chihuhua had been working on another plan and were watching a large hologram of Santa speaking with his wife. Hokie noticed that Santa had a neatly trimmed beard and had lost a heck of a lot of weight. This was a surprising development. He was looking more like a modern CEO instead of himself. He was talking about exercise and an idea hit Hokie like a bolt of thunder.
Hokie had been on Earth long enough to know that kids and healthy food were not strangers but there weren’t many kids who wanted a gift of fruit. That was something that was just there in the kitchen. He thought of a brilliant plan.
“Listen, we need to implant an idea in his head. If we can get him discredited in the eyes of Earthlings then it will be tantamount to a termination.”
Mr. Chihuhua looked suspicious but simply nodded waiting for the rest of the idea. He reiterated his singular knowledge of Earthlings and their power structure. He didn’t mention that Santa Claus had zero power. That would have complicated matters unnecessarily. Instead he spun an elaborate lie about how things worked on Earth. In the end he explained that a simple termination would only make Santa Claus more popular. On the other hand if they discredited him then Santa Claus would lose his status. At least this way Hokie would get back to Earth and avoid relegation to some shit hole on the east side of the universe.
Mr. Chihuhua looked suspiciously at Hokie, “This doesn’t seem logical.”
Hokie was always quick on his feet and said, “It’s not logical by our standards. But it will work. This year Santa Claus is going to make himself the least popular person on planet Earth.”
Mr. Chihuhua pressed on, “I don’t get it. It seems more straightforward to go through with the termination.”
Hokie explained, “This will have the same effect but without any collateral damage.”
“Collateral damage? That must be from one of the books you read. Alright then, you have studied the planet and understand it. Let’s give it a shot.”
Hokie couldn’t believe how easy that had been. He turned toward the hologram and focused all of his energy. He transferred a thought directly to Santa Claus, who was sitting in his kitchen at home on Earth. A second later he told the wife all about “his” new plan.
Hokie smiled. “That went well. It looks like it’s time for me to follow up the plan on Earth.”
“Hokie, I am putting a lot of faith in you. It’s not standard protocol and I hope that your plan works. It seems a bit unconventional and needlessly complicated. If it doesn’t pan out then we put out the lights on that whack job, Santa Claus.”
Hokie smiled. “I’m out of here and on my way back to Earth.”
Mr. Chihuhua looked at him sternly, “Your ice suit is ready if you fuck this up. You have 30 Earth days to make this work.”
Hokie smiled confidently but was only about 10% sure that his plan would work as he had presented it.
8
The Pole
William handed a café latte to Liz, who was sitting with him in the board room. Liz helped William with the management of The Pole. They were a good team. He was straightforward and she was a master at smoothing out tough situations. He drove processes and she made sure that everyone was motivated. As usual she looked elegant but casual in a pair of well worn skin-tight jeans and some orange designer shoes that she had picked up in Italy in the off season. The heels were so high that he didn’t understand how anyone outside of a circus acrobat could walk on them. She had a nice cream colored shirt that would have been boring if it weren’t so low cut. She had her red Prada bag with her and that meant that her pet miniature penguin would be around somewhere. Some people had miniature dogs, she had Pelle. When alone with William she was not all that talkative unless they had a couple of drinks. William still hadn’t really picked up on this. He was still building up the courage to figure out just how she felt about him. It was obvious to everyone else.
“Thanks, William.”
“No problem.”
His telephone rang and he looked at her apologetically before looking back at the phone. He could see that it was Mr. Claus.
“Hi Mr. Claus, how are you doing this morning?”
Willam listened and nodded.
“It’s good to hear about your BMI.”
In the span of a couple sentences, his face turned white, like the blood had flowed out of it.
“Uhm… I am not sure that I heard you correctly.”
William nodded and shook his head in obvious worry.
“If this is a joke then it’s not very funny. There are a lot of people here working very hard to make Christmas happen.”
An awkward silence followed. Liz was starting to get a bit worried as William never looked flustered.
“We can’t do this and this is not happening.”
Liz could still hear Mr. Claus talking as William pushed the button and hung up.
“What’s up, William?”
William put his hands up to his head and answered Liz, “Fuck. He wants to give the kids fruit and nut bars. With a bottle of North Pole water! There was something about reindeers and collectable stickers, but he lost me at fruit and nut bars.”
“Fruit and nuts? We’re elves not hippies.”
“I don’t know what he’s been smokin’. We don’t have many days until the big day. He sounded deadly serious, Liz. You know he never jokes about Christmas.”
After a short pause he continued, “Do me a favor and find Alfred. I am going over to The Manor to find out if he’s serious or not. I’ll find you when I get back.”
9
The Pole
William raised his hand to knock on the door at The Manor as it opened.
Mrs. Claus greeted him by getting down to business, “Hi William, I know you must be upset, but I think he’s serious and we need to talk.”
“I need to talk with him first, though. I think he’s gone out of his mind.”
She answered, “So it would seem. He is probably still in the study.”
She walked away. William knew the way and went in and on through to the study. Mr. Claus sat behind his desk, which was sparsely decorated and neatly arranged. In previous years things had run like clockwork and that made his announcement all the more surprising.
William sat down across from Mr. Claus. “We’ve known each other a long time. I know that this is your show and you call the shots, but fruit and nut bars? This is like trying to get elected by promising to raise taxes by 20%. This is a selfish move and if you go through with it then your popularity will be lower than Bush’s was when he left office.”
“William, I hear you, but I am convinced that this is the way to go. Considering that we don’t have to make the fruit or nuts, we should be able to churn these out by Christmas. I know it will be tight, but there’s a handsome bonus in it for all of you if we make our goal.”
William answered, “A bonus? What am I going to do with a bonus if I don’t have a job?”
William had never seen him like this. He seemed possessed by the idea that all kids absolutely needed fruit and nut bars.
“We need to make this happen. I made a few calls earlier this morning and apparently it is possible to put this all together in time.”
“I haven’t doubted that. What I doubt is that the gifts will be received in the same spirit as they are intended.”
“What do you mean, William?”
“The kids want toys and dolls.”
“I went through this a couple of times now and I am convinced that this will work.”
“Okay, okay. I give up, maybe the world is more ready for change than I am.”
“There that’s the spirit. Now let’s get down to business and get the process started.”
William had a question though, “You’re not going to send out a copy of one of your routines are you?”
Mr. Claus laughed, “No, but it’s not a bad idea.”
William made a mental note to keep his sarcasm to himself for the time being.
10
The Pole
“Hi Liz. It’s William. Where are you guys at?” asked William into his phone on his way back to The Pole.
He listened and answered, “Okay, I’m there in five minutes.”
William still couldn’t believe what was going on with Mr. Claus. He was having trouble thinking straight and was trying to put himself together ahead of a meeting with Alfred and Liz. He figured that he better bring Mrs. Claus into the loop and dialed her number on his phone.
“Hi Rosemary. We’re meeting at The Pole in the board room. Stop by as soon as you can. We can’t make it through December without you.”
William nodded and answered, “Okay. We’re in the board room if you can break free. Any news would be appreciated.”
William hung up as he entered The Pole and found his way to the board room. He stopped before he entered and gathered himself. He walked in looking down at his boots and took a deep breath as he looked up at Liz and Alfred. Alfred was a genius with computers and gadgets and was an integral part of the management team at the The Pole along with William, Liz and Mr. Claus. He had finally convinced Mr. Claus that kids could easily use e-mail instead of snail mail after a long and hard struggle. Alfred was fast becoming a planning wizard and he had streamlined production significantly the last couple of years. He had also been working on his image. He was considerably more talkative and had shed the bulk of his geekiness in the last year. Alfred had been out more often than not the last few months and William was sure that he was learning all about pick-up lines and entertaining the ladies. As long as he stayed away from Liz it was cool with him.
William launched right into the matter at hand, “Okay, I have just been over at The Manor and it’s looking bad. Has Liz explained his plan, Alfred?”
Alfred answered, “Yeah, something about bottled water and muesli bars.”
William added, “He’s totally convinced that this is the way to go. Man, I could understand toys from renewable materials or recycled plastic or CO2 neutral or nearly anything. But health food?!”
Alfred took a deep breath and took off his glasses before remarking, “I think that he needs to cut back on the endorphins.”
Liz laughed and it broke the tension.
“I have the list and I’ve checked it twice and all that. We’re already making toys for all the good boys and girls. And now they’re supposed to get water instead?” added Alfred.
Alfred wasn’t good at changes in his planning and it was obvious in his body language. William was happy to see, though, that Alfred didn’t dwell on it as he otherwise might have done.
Mrs. Claus walked in at that point and said, “Can someone get me a brandy?”
She lit up a cigarette and no one dared say anything.
William brought her a sifter with a good slug of bourbon.
She took a large sip and announced, “It’s gone from bad to worse. At this very moment he is talking to some dude named Hokie about producing fruit and nut bars by Christmas Eve.”
11
The Pole
Hokie was happy to be back on Earth. He headed straight to Santa Claus to ensure that his plan would pick up momentum. He had no clue about how rare it was for people to visit The Pole and and at this point wouldn’t have cared if he did. Hokie walked straight up to the Manor and rang the doorbell. His plan was now in motion.
Hokie started calmly and tried to affect a degree of reverence, “I’m Hokie Hansen from Nordic Nuts. I know this is a busy time for you, but I was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by to see if I couldn’t interest you in including some of our products for some of the good boys and girls of the world. Or even a nice gift basket for the elves after their hard work up to Christmas.”
Mr. Claus looked at him and said firmly, “I’m sorry but I don’t believe that I have anything scheduled today and I am awfully busy. Please make an appointment at the reception desk in the main building.”
As Mr. Claus was shutting the door Hokie looked directly at him and concentrated intently just long enough to get his plan started. He was happy to see that it wouldn’t be necessary to use concentrated mental suggestion as it wasn’t clear how robust the human brain was.
Mr. Claus answered, “Oh, I see. I didn’t know that Scandinavia was famous for its fruit and nut bars. Please come in. Let’s see what you can offer.”
Hokie pulled out the latest issue of Playboy and placed it directly in front of Mr. Claus. He projected the perception of a vast array of nutty treats.
Mr. Claus remarked, “Nice nuts.”
Mr. Claus couldn’t believe his luck. There was something a bit weird about this Hokie guy, but he needed the fruit and nuts from some place if his plan was going to work.
“Well as a matter of fact Mr. Hansen we are in dire need of a heck of a lot of fruit and nut bars.”
Mr. Claus had streamlined the business at The Pole but he wasn’t much of a negotiator.
Hokie played along. He could deliver the weight of the planet in these bars if it meant staying on Earth. But he liked Mr. Claus and let things play out without mental suggestion.
“Are we talking about gifts for the elves or maybe something a bit healthier for all of the lovely kids?”
Mr. Claus looked incredulous.
He said, “The elves? No I don’t think so. It’s December- it’s time to think about the kids. But we can definitely whip up something for the elves for the 26th.”
Mr. Claus had no idea how Hokie could make all of this happen, but he was desperate and didn’t have time to shop around. And he trusted Hokie.
“Okay, Mr. Claus. I have a deal for you. I can deliver you whatever you need in the way of fruit and nut bars and I can do it by the 22nd. As a show of good faith I will deliver half of them in three days. I know we have quite a few in stock, but it will take a bit of extra time to get the other ones made. How does that sound?”
“Mr. Hansen, you have yourself a deal. What’s the catch?”
“There’s no catch. As long as I can put a discrete ad for our company on each unit then we are willing to enter into this without any money changing hands.”
Hokie guessed that this sounded credible and would help things go faster with Mr. Claus, who looked overjoyed.
“Mr. Hansen I would like to take you over to the main building to meet my main elves.”
12
The Pole
William had to ask Mrs. Claus, “Is his name really Hokie?”
“That’s how he introduced himself, honey. I was doing my best to not eavesdrop, but the temptation was too great. This Hokie dude definitely showed up at the right time.”
“The timing seems too good to be true. This can’t be a coincidence. It’s time to call Leroy.”
Leroy was the man that William called when they needed things fixed. His background was a bit murky. It surprised everyone to learn that he was on a first name basis with Al Gore when they met at the climate conference last year. Leroy had clearly seen a lot of the world and had probably been in the military, but he didn’t talk much about himself. In another world he could have been a Jedi master. He was always calm, knew how to say the right thing and didn’t seem to be afraid of anyone or anything.
William dialed his number on the phone and went out into the hallway. “Leroy. It’s William. We need help with some repair work.”
Leroy answered. “Man, you ain’t got to use code. What can I do for you?”
“Can we meet?”
“Yeah, but it won’t be soul food this time. I moved to Copenhagen.”
“Copenhagen? I thought that you were a South Side man.”
“Did you see the ladies here? The weather ain’t nothin’ to write home about, but the action’s inside.” said Leroy and laughed.
“Can I get Alfred to pick you up?”
“Sure, man, just give me 30 minutes. He knows the place.”
Alfred’s transformation made more sense to William. “So, you’re the one exercising the geek demon from him.”
Leroy laughed. “He had a bad case, but I think he’s gonna pull through.”
William chuckled and answered, “See you in 30 minutes.”
“Cool.”
William walked back into the board room and looked at Alfred. “Can you pick up Leroy? He says you know the way.”
Alfred blushed. “I’ve been there a couple times.”
“He said to give him half an hour.”
Alfred answered “Alright, I need to warm up a sleigh anyway, so that fits well.”
William walked over to the espresso machine and pushed the button. It was deadly quiet while he waited for his coffee. When it was done he added sugar and downed it. He turned toward Mrs. Claus and Liz, who had turned toward the door. He could hear Mr. Claus’s voice increasing in volume as he walked toward them from down the hallway.
Mr Claus was explaining, “This is our production facility. It’s top notch and state-of-the-art. We have modernized everything from production to management. The only thing that hasn’t been touched is our old world devotion to hand-made quality. We make everything here ourselves. We have the world’s best workforce in our elves, but we don’t manufacture food.”
William was surprised when he saw Hokie Hansen. He didn’t look cheesy at all. He looked eclectic and William would have placed him as an artist and not as a sales monkey. William felt an immediate warm and pleasant sensation. It wasn’t physical at all, but he knew right away that Hokie was to be trusted.
William looked over at Mrs. Claus and Liz, who had similar expressions on their faces. They must have had the same strange sensation.
Hokie announced, “So I hear that we are going to deliver a butt-load of fruit and nut bars to the good boys and girls of the world.”
William caught himself smiling and answered, “Yes, that’s right and we need a lot of help in getting them done on time.”
Hokie smiled back. “That’s what I’m here for.”
William looked over at Mrs. Claus, who was gazing longingly at Hokie. She pulled out a cigarette from her purse and lit up in defiance of the no smoking policy. No one really took notice or cared considering the circumstances.
Hokie thought to himself, Be careful with that one.
Out of nowhere Pelle, Liz’s penguin, jumped out of her red bag and waddled directly over to Hokie. As much as was physically possible he jumped and down and made a great deal of noise. Liz ran over and scooped him up and put him back into her bag. She made an apologetic gesture with her face to Hokie and head out the door.
Hokie smiled demurely and said softly, “Not a problem.”
But nothing could be farther from the truth. Hokie could recognize an aptenodyte android anywhere even when disguised as a cute, small flightless bird. He just didn’t have any idea why there was one here, let alone on this planet.
13
The Pole
Mr. Claus looked at his wife, William and Hokie and figured that things were going well. He left almost immediately and mentioned something about getting out on his skis. He didn’t look back.
William got down to business and worked out a lot of the more practical details with Hokie while Mrs. Claus hung around, presumably to avoid Mr. Claus, who wasn’t high on her list for the time being. She didn’t normally show a lot of interest in business matters unless there was a new pair of shoes in it. It was odd, but not as weird as seriously discussing fruit and nut bars with a guy named Hokie.
When they finished and had made all of the arrangements, William could hear Alfred’s voice just outside the door. That meant that Leroy was just behind him. Leroy didn’t like being the first in a room and William figured that it was something from his previous life. As expected Alfred walked in followed by Leroy, who had a new look for him. He had let his hair grow out and had a nice afro going. He was dressed from head to toe in black. He had an unexpected serenity about him that reminded William of a minister. Leroy was far from an angel, however, and this new look must have been a Danish inspiration rather than an attempt to be closer to God.
William could see Leroy taking in Hokie. He knew everyone else and always scouted the unknowns first. He politely acknowledged Mrs. Claus before turning to William.
“How are you doing, man?”
William answered, “Things are a bit hectic here.”
Leroy remarked calmly, “Yeah. You never call me when things are cool and you just want a drink or something. But, shit, that’s what friends are for.”
Leroy didn’t give William a chance to answer and turned to Hokie. He looked at him for an uncomfortably long time before pulling a strange medallion out from under his t-shirt. He held it up and showed it to Hokie.
Leroy said authoritatively, “Don’t even think about it space boy.”
Hokie acted surprised but spoke cautiously, “I am afraid that I don’t know what you are talking about.”
Leroy asked without acknowledging him, “Mental suggestion don’t work on me. Where you from?”
Hokie was visibly losing his composure and answered half-heartedly, “I still don’t know what you are talking about. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.”
Leroy said, “My name is Leroy. I asked you where you are from. And don’t even try with Des Moines or Stockholm. You’re foreign, but you hail from a long way from here. You are actually humanoid- that must make it easier to blend in here.”
Willam was extremely confused, “What’s going on here, Leroy?”
Leroy explained, “Hokie here ain’t from this planet. He’s most likely not even from this galaxy. My guess is a planet from the JS system, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen anyone from there. He has probably made all of you feel real comfortable since he arrived. He does this by mental suggestion. Our brains are not quite that advanced compared to what is out there. It’s easy for him to implant ideas and feelings in others. Once you know what to look for, though, and have a protective medallion, it can be difficult to be manipulated.”
“Manipulated?” asked William incredulously.
“Yeah, manipulated. What’s he got you into?”
William answered, “Oh no. He’s got Mr. Claus convinced that all the kids should have fruit and nut bars.”
“Fruit and nut bars?! That will work in a commune, but I doubt that it will be an all-around popular move.” remarked Leroy and chuckled to himself.
William said, “That’s what I had called you about.”
“Oh, I see”, said Leroy soberly and then turned toward Hokie. “You have about ten Earth seconds to tell me just what the Hell is going on.”
14
The Pole
William could see that Hokie was shaken and didn’t know how to deal with Leroy. It looked as though he were considering how to escape but it was clear that he wasn’t much of a fighter. William guessed that Hokie was the lover type.
Leroy looked firmly at Hokie, “What’s going on here?”
Hokie took a deep breath and let it out before answering. “You were right about the JS system and being humanoid, if that’s what you call it here. I look just like you, so it’s not hard to fit in here. As a matter of fact I enjoy it here and fought hard to get sent back.”
“Okay, but you’re not here on vacation.”
“No, well, sorta. I have the people on my planet convinced that Mr. Claus is the ruler of the planet. I was sent here in advance of our building a base. I was supposed to scout, but I got carried away with the life here and the report slipped my mind. I wrote it in about an hour while watching a Christmas movie.”
Leroy look relieved, but William didn’t understand why. Aliens were coming to build a base on Earth and that was no big deal. He looked over at Mrs. Claus for backup, but she didn’t seem all that worried either. On the other hand, she wasn’t phased by much and Hokie had seemed harmless enough even that he was an alien.
Leroy looked at Hokie and asked, “So what or who is on the way?”
Hokie answered calmly, “Actually, I don’t know. They wanted to terminate Mr. Claus but I convinced them that this fruit and nut bar scheme would work better. I didn’t want to see anyone getting hurt just because I was having a good time.”
Hokie looked over at Mrs. Claus and smiled.
Leroy broke in, “Hokie, we don’t have time for that now. What can we expect?”
Hokie answered, “This whole thing hasn’t really followed protocol, so your guess is as good as mine. You can pretty much count on that ships are on the way and that The Pole is in danger.”
William couldn’t believe what he heard. He looked at Hokie then at Leroy, “Can we get an Earthling perspective on what’s going on here? This seems really serious but no one seems to be worried. And how on God’s green earth do you know anything about the JS system Leroy?”
Leroy looked William squarely in the face, “This is what I do. I work with aliens. That’s why working with elves was no big deal. Our planet has lots of aliens among us and there are actually a number of bases. Most of them are harmless and we don’t notice them. They blend in and are just doing a job. Like Hokie the first time he was here.”
William was taking in what Leroy had just said when he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Alfred had slipped out of the room. He had been pretty quiet and it had apparently been too much for him.
Leroy continued, “A base is one thing. It’s no big deal- kind of like a gas station. But interfering with the inhabitants is strictly forbidden by galactic law.”
Hokie added, “A termination is unusual in most cases. I did mention in my report, however, that Earth, and especially the North Pole, had vast reserves of the lanthanide metals.”
Leroy finally looked shaken, “You did what?”
“But…” said Hokie, but he was cut off by Leroy holding up his hand with his palm outward.
Leroy explained to William, “Those metals are highly desirable in certain parts of the universe and we don’t actually have quantities that are all that interesting. But as long as people think we have them then we are in danger. I think that Hokie’s boss has had bigger plans all along. Mr. Claus and The Pole are in grave danger.”
15
The Pole
Liz had put Pelle back at her place and was on her way back to the boardroom. She didn’t know exactly what was going on but something didn’t feel right. She changed to more practical clothes just to be on the safe side. As she passed a small meeting room she thought she heard Alfred’s voice. The only entrance to the room was a door, which was closed. To give a more open feeling all of the rooms had a large glass panel installed to the side of the door. They were frosted for privacy but had strips of clear glass along each edge. The sound insulation was awful and it wasn’t very private but it was difficult to see exactly who was in the room.
Liz thought it was weird to hear Alfred’s voice out here when so much was going on in the boardroom. She peered in through a strip of clear glass and was shocked. Alfred was explaining something to another person, who appeared vaguely male and resembled Hokie but had considerably larger ears. The other person was dressed in a thin cream white jumpsuit, which struck her as odd winter attire. The person suddenly disappeared for a second and reappeared but was covered with something resembling static from television.
Liz quickly worked out that it was a hologram, but she had no idea who the person was or why he was talking with Alfred. Her interest was piqued and at the same time she was really frightened. She couldn’t make out what the other person was saying, but Alfred was giving what seemed to be coordinates for the arrival of a fleet. He went on to explain that Hokie’s cover had been blown by Leroy, who was some kind of a space ranger. Pelle’s behavior with Hokie suddenly made sense but the whole thing seemed just a bit too science fiction for Liz. She needed to talk with William to figure out just what was happening. She pulled her head carefully back. She took a deep breath, gathered herself and headed down the hallway to the boardroom.
Liz walked in and could see Leroy talking to Hokie, who seemed considerably less confident than the last time she saw him. She turned to see William, who looked flustered, and Mrs. Claus, who had found the bourbon and poured herself a big glass.
She walked over to William, “What in heck did I miss?”
William explained, “Leroy’s apparently some kind of Jedi warrior, Hokie’s an alien and whole fruit and nut bar thing is a ruse. Mr. Claus has no idea what is going on at this point and Mrs. Claus has gotten into the bourbon. Alfred slipped out just after he found out that Hokie is an alien.”
“Oh my” answered Liz and added, “That’s only the half of it. Alfred’s down the hallway talking to someone who looks like Hokie but with bigger ears. I think it’s a hologram and they were talking about a fleet and coordinates for The Pole.”
William looked over to Leroy, “I think you need to hear this.”
Liz explained in as much detail as she could remember as Leroy and Hokie listened intently.
Hokie spoke first when Liz was done, “That would be Mr. Chihuahua and he must have control of your Alfred. Apparently he didn’t trust me after all.”
Leroy said to everyone, “Okay, it’s important that you not let on that you know about Alfred. It could precipitate an attack. Just be cool around him. I’ll take care of him.”
William answered for the group, “Okay, got it.”
Leroy continued, “We don’t have a lot of time and we’re going to need help. There may already be other attacks or counter actions planned.”
The aptenodyte android suddenly made sense to Hokie and he said to Leroy, “The penguin is an aptenodyte android. My guess is that they somehow know about the metal.”
Leroy replied, “It would appear that way. It’s time to call in a favor.”
16
The Pole
Leroy pulled William to the side and explained things in more detail, “A lot of planets use the lanthanide metals as catalysts for spaceship propulsion systems. It’s kind of like oil is to us today. It’s interesting in all quantities but larger amounts are extremely valuable. It’s no wonder that Hokie’s boss wants to get his hands on this planet. It’s our luck that he thinks Mr. Claus is the ruler. Alfred may or may not have corrected this point. We hope that it hasn’t come up in their discussions.”
William had to ask, “What do we do?”
Leroy answered, “I have a lot of favors pending out there and I need to figure out what the word is about Earth and take it from there. The aptenodyte android means that they are interested in us as well. They don’t have an obvious relationship that I know of with the JS humanoids, but it doesn’t seem that they are acting together here. That gives us leverage, which we sorely need.”
“Shouldn’t we call the President or the UN or something like that? This seems a bit out of our league.”
Leroy spoke confidently, “We can inform the President, but it won’t get us all that far. The ships that they are sending are not like spy planes with an extra machine gun. We can’t defeat them. We need help from somewhere else.”
William nodded his head in agreement.
Leroy asked Liz to shut the door and to make sure that Alfred didn’t come back in. Leroy took a small device out of his pocket and pointed it toward the far corner of the room. Nothing happened for about 30 seconds. Suddenly a hologram of a person appeared not far from Leroy. Humanoid would be a better description as the being was about half Leroy’s height. It wasn’t wearing clothing but had simple sandals on its feet. The being had delicate features and ivory colored skin but lacked hair of any kind. It was thin and not clearly male or female, but William had no idea of how these matters were distinguished other places in the universe.
William listened as Leroy explained what was going on down to the android, Hokie’s misinformation and Alfred’s discussion with Mr. Chihuahua.
Leroy finished by looking apologetically over to the others and said, “I have forgotten my manners. He knows who you are already, but you haven’t been introduced. I am pleased to present Prince Thaddeus from planet XB10.14. He knows a lot about the JS system.”
Prince Thaddeus acknowledged their presence and explained, “It would be an honor to help Leroy and your planet. I need to check with a couple of sources in the DB system, but it would seem that at least two other planets have an interest in Earth. You can hope that no one else has gotten word about lanthanide metals. As it is right now, it will be easy to predict how things will unfold. The JS humanoids have a particular way of doing things and despite not following protocol to this point we can count on them returning to their procedures.”
William looked over at Hokie, who was nodding his head in agreement.
Prince Thaddeus continued, “I will take leave of you, but will return as fast as my spaceship will allow.”
The Prince bowed and disappeared from the room. His departure was followed by a long silence where everyone but Leroy was looking frantically around trying to understand what had just occurred.
In the middle of silence Alfred walked in and asked, “Is everything okay?”
Leroy was quick to answer, “Yeah, everything is cool. We’re having a touch of information overload.”
Alfred said, “I know what you mean. I need to take care of a couple of things. I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
William was relieved that they could delay a confrontation with Alfred.
17
The Pole
Mr. Claus glided up to the front steps of The Manor with his skis still on. He was exhausted after a 40 km trip and was still catching his breath after his sprint to an imaginary finish line. He didn’t understand that no one wanted to join him, but then again he had just gotten the hang of skiing himself. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t started earlier with all the snow at The Pole.
Despite being euphoric from his exercise he knew that it was one week to Christmas and he needed to make sure that things were working as planned. Even that he had left Hokie with the elves, he knew that he should be doing a bit more. He took off his skis set them on the porch and set off to meet up with the elves and Hokie.
As Mr. Claus walked into the boardroom he was looking forward to a discussion about putting the last details into place. He had shaped the elves into a reliable team and knew that they would be taking care of everything. The first thing he saw, however, was Leroy. He knew who he was, but wasn’t sure what he was doing at The Pole.
“Hi Leroy” said Mr. Claus hesitantly.
“Whoa. You’re looking good. The kids won’t recognize you, man.” replied Leroy.
“I think the suit and reindeer will make up the difference.” answered Mr. Claus with a smile on his face.
Mr. Claus scanned the rest of the room and saw his wife, which was even more surprising than seeing Leroy.
“Hi honey”, he said to his wife.
“What brings you here?” asked Mrs. Claus snidely.
“I could ask you the same question. I haven’t been here much and I wanted to make sure that everything is fine.”
Mr. Claus looked around at everyone and assumed from their lack of response that everything was going well without him. But he was still el jefe and he wanted to know how things were going.
He looked over at Hokie and asked, “Did you get everything squared away with the fruit and nut bars?”
“Yes. The deliveries will be ready for the big night.” answered William before Hokie got a chance to say anything.
Mr. Claus surmised, “Well, everything seems to be in order then.”
Leroy added, “Everything’s cool.”
“Sounds good. I need to go down to wardrobe to see about my new suit.” announced Mr. Claus and left as abruptly as he had come.
The silence he left in his wake was eventually pierced by Mrs. Claus’s best bedroom voice, “Oh, you are a naughty alien, aren’t you?”
“You don’t know the half of it.” replied Hokie teasingly.
They left the boardroom and William didn’t even want to know where they were going. He looked over at Liz as they left and she was looking directly at him. Except for the spaceships and imminent danger this would be the perfect time to make his move, thought William. It would have to be another time, though, as Prince Thaddeus was set to return any minute.
18
The Pole
William looked over at Leroy, who appeared as impatient as he had ever seen him. Leroy was always cool, calm and collected. He still was, but if this were a poker game then William would have called his bluff.
Leroy turned his head toward William and said, “The shit is about to hit the fan in a big way. I trust Thaddeus and I know that he can help us. But, it might get hairy. And I don’t know if everyone is going to pull through. Hokie’s boss seems like he’s playing with a loaded deck.”
William answered somberly, “I understand. I’m ready.”
Leroy looked him square in the eyes, “I hope so. It ain’t like it is in the movies. Some of those aliens look freaky by our standards. Don’t let their appearance phase you, though.”
“Alright. But I am voting for a quick and easy diplomatic solution.” said William in all seriousness.
William heard a strange noise over in the corner of the boardroom followed by the slow appearance of Prince Thaddeus. He was totally sure that he wanted to try teleportation, or whatever they called it, but it probably wasn’t the right time to ask.
Thaddeus nodded to both Leroy and William and said, “It’s more complicated than I had feared.”
He paused and focused on Leroy, “Let’s start with the easy part. I don’t have any idea what the aptenodyte android is doing here. If I understand its behavior then it was only trying to warn you. That leaves them out of the equation. My contact in the DB system doesn’t know anything about the lanthanide metals. If he doesn’t know about it then there aren’t many who do. It seems that we can assume that it was only the JS humanoids that had gotten that info.”
Leroy remarked “So far, so good.”
Thaddeus continued, “Yes it would seem. But I could see that they have dispatched ships. They sent a medium cruiser a couple of supply vessels. They’re slow and I got back before them. They are, however, more powerful than my ship and absolutely no match for the existing defenses here. That leaves us with a problem.”
Leroy looked over at William and back at Thaddeus, “Any chance for a diplomatic solution here? A trade agreement, maybe?”
Thaddeus answered, “I am afraid not. None of their actions would indicate a willingness to bargain.”
Leroy looked over at Liz and said, “Can you please find Hokie. Those two must be done by now. And if they’re not then get him anyway. We need to know more about the boss and their typical protocols.”
Liz answered, “Okay, but you’ll owe me if I have to interrupt anything beyond holding hands and talking.”
Liz left and William considered going with her, but he knew that he had to stay.
Leroy turned back toward Thaddeus, “Did you call in the cavalry?”
Thaddeus smiled and answered, “You bet I did. They’ll be here before the JS ships and will hold in orbit around the Earth.”
Leroy said, “That makes for a Mexican standoff.”
Thaddeus looked puzzled, “I am not familiar with the Mexicans. Are they sending ships as well?”
Leroy laughed, “No, man, it’s just a phrase. It just means that we are at equal strength and that neither side will be willing to fight.”
Thaddeus remarked, “Oh, how quaint.”
Leroy said seriously, “What about Hokie’s boss?”
Thaddeus smiled, “I called The Iceman, as I believe you call him.”
Leroy replied, “Let’s hope the planet survives his visit.”
19
The Pole
The Iceman sounded like an intriguing name to William. He vaguely remembered a famous basketball player that had the same name. He wasn’t expecting any form of resemblance but was hoping for something in the neighborhood of an elf or human.
The Iceman appeared a couple of minutes later in the same manner as Prince Thaddeus. He didn’t look all that different from the Prince. The Iceman had a bluish sheen and was wearing an emerald green jumpsuit. William wasn’t clear if he was a he or she, but it simplified matters to decide on a gender and stick with it.
Not a word was exchanged but William could feel that he had introduced himself. It must have been through a process like Hokie’s mental suggestion. And Leroy didn’t bother going through any niceties like introductions and explanations. There obviously wasn’t time for that.
Before a word was exchanged Liz walked in through the door with Hokie and Mrs. Claus in tow. They looked like kids who had been caught doing something they ought not do. That probably wasn’t too far from the truth.
Liz explained briefly, “I found the two lovebirds down the hall in one of the meeting rooms.”
William looked over at Mrs. Claus, who had a nice glow and smiled back. William lifted his eyebrows then turned his focus to Liz.
“Thanks Liz” said William.
William didn’t bother introducing The Iceman figuring that it had already happened.
Leroy cleared his throat, looked at Hokie and asked, “What can we expect here? What’s the next move?”
Hokie answered, “They will have sent a ship with an escort. They will send someone down to terminate Mr. Claus and assume power of the planet.”
Leroy nodded and said, “We’ve got that covered with the exception of knowing exactly where Mr. Claus is. William can you please get him from wardrobe? No more aerobics or exercise bullshit until all of this is over.”
William left the boardroom and took a left out of the door. He could see Alfred walking toward him down the hall. As Alfred approached William could see that he looked out of sorts.
He stopped and said, “Hi Alfred, what’s up? Are you okay? You look pale.”
William was shocked when Alfred didn’t acknowledge him and walked right by toward the boardroom. He didn’t have time to worry about Alfred’s mental state and headed toward wardrobe, which was just around the next corner.
As he walked in the door he was greeted by a very jolly Mr. Claus.
“Don’t it look good?”
William took in the new Santa suit and answered, “Yes. And I’m relieved to see that it’s still red with white trim. I had feared something more modern or even worse- hot pants.”
Mr. Claus replied, “I’ve lost weight, but my brain still works. Of course it was going to be totally old school. I just needed it re-made because the other one was way too big. Hot pants? You must be out of your mind.”
William said, “I need you to follow me back to the boardroom.”
“But I am not done here. And since when did you start giving orders around here?”
William said respectfully and deliberately, “We need you back in the boardroom and it can’t wait.”
“Okay. It must be serious.”
William added, “You could say that.”
Mr. Claus asked, “What’s going on William, are we being invaded or what?”
William’s heart skipped a beat but he tried to look calm.
He said, “Come on, we need to get to the boardroom.”
“Alright, alright, man this must be important.” replied Mr. Claus.
William followed Mr. Claus out the door and toward the boardroom.
20
The Pole
William walked into the boardroom with Mr. Claus and everyone was there. It didn’t feel right though. Alfred was over to his right and everyone else was over on the left side of the room. They walked over to the group on the left and waited for someone to explain.
Mr. Claus apparently hadn’t noticed either Thaddeus or The Iceman and said, “What the heck is going on here? Why aren’t you all working on getting things ready? We only have a couple of days left. I thought that everything was going according to plan.”
Alfred answered in a monotone voice, “Shut up old man. You are all my prisoners and I am looking for Santa Claus. Find him for me or there will be grave consequences for you and your miserable little planet.”
Leroy reached from behind Mr. Claus and managed to get his mouth covered before he could give away his identity.
Thaddeus answered very politely, “I do not know where Santa Claus is. I suggest that you try his residence, which is just across the way.”
Alfred said, “I do not believe you. Find him.”
Leroy replied, “We don’t have a fat man in a red suit. You can see that for yourself. I am also afraid that your intelligence work has been very poor. Earth does not have a single ruler and if they did it would surely not be Santa Claus. We know your intentions and a termination of Santa Claus won’t get you any closer to your goal. In addition Earth has only moderate reserves of the lanthanide metals. They are hardly worth the transport costs.”
William didn’t quite understand what was going on, but he could surmise that Alfred wasn’t quite Alfred and that things had started in earnest.
He looked over at Mr. Claus, whose mouth was now free, and could see the confusion in his face. He looked back toward Alfred, who pulled what looked like a small pistol out of his pocket and pointed it directly at Liz.
Alfred demanded albeit quite calmly, “Tell me where Santa Claus is or I will terminate you one at a time until you give me the information that I need.”
Hokie added, rather unnecessarily, “He’s serious. This is standard protocol.”
The Iceman stepped toward the front of the group and put himself directly between Alfred and Liz.
Alfred said, “So be it.”
He fired his weapon and a pulse of light ended up shining briefly just in front of The Iceman. It appeared to William as though the shot from the weapon had hit an invisible shield and simply died. The Iceman held up his right arm and let out a bolt of blue lightning that struck Alfred directly in the forehead. Alfred collapsed and dropped the weapon in front of him as he hit the ground. The Iceman went over picked it up and tossed it to Leroy. Alfred was lying still but appeared to still be breathing.
Thaddeus explained, “The beam is a rather mild one and should have removed the mind control implanted in your Alfred. He’ll sleep for a while but should be okay when he wakes up. We can expect, however, that Hokie’s boss will make an appearance shortly.”
Mr. Claus couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore, “What the fuck is going on here? And who are these two? They look like rejects from Area 51. And what was going on with Alfred? Have you guys been playing Halloween? It’s only a couple of days ‘til Christmas and we need to get to work here.”
The Iceman finally spoke, “Keep your mouth shut, old man. We are protecting you and it’s extremely important that you not give your identity away. Now stay quiet and don’t get in our way. Mr. Chihuahua will be here any minute.”
Mr. Claus looked even more confused but managed to stay quiet as the room filled with a strange sound.
21
The Pole
William looked over to the corner of the room where Alfred was lying and the strange sound decreased as a figure appeared. It couldn’t be anyone other than Mr. Chihuahua. He looked exactly like Hokie, just with bigger ears. His bearing, however, was more stately and demanding. William could see him take in the situation. He glanced down at Alfred and shook his head.
Mr. Chihuahua looked over to Hokie and said snidely, “I hope you’re enjoying yourself. Your time on Earth is drawing to a close.”
Mr. Chihuahua raised his arm and brought it down swiftly pointed in the direction of Hokie. A lightning bolt flew from the tip of his finger and hit Hokie directly in the forehead. He collapsed immediately with a thud. Prince Thaddeus sprang over to him and laid both of his hands on Hokie’s head.
The Iceman stepped in front of the group and pulled a small device from the folds of his jumpsuit. He held it out and William could see that it was an oblong blue crystal. He pointed it at Mr. Chihuahua and fired a blue laser beam. The beam died harmlessly just in front of its intended target. Apparently he could also protect himself with a type of invisible shield.
Leroy spoke up before any more shots were fired, “With all due respect you are outnumbered and up against superior forces. We have ships arriving soon and I would advise you to surrender yourself.”
Mr. Chihuahua answered, “You would, would you? I may be outnumbered but I am not outgunned.”
Mr. Chihuahua pulled a very large gun from a holster on his back and pointed it at The Iceman. He fired and it bounced off of an invisible shield. William could see, however, that The Iceman was clearly stunned. Leroy ran over and picked up the crystal from his hand. Mr. Chihuahua fired again at The Iceman, who was hit directly and went very still. William didn’t think that he had survived as he remained motionless.
Prince Thaddeus stood up from attending to Hokie. William could see him raise both of his arms. He clasped both of his hands together and extended all of his fingers toward Mr. Chihuahua. At the same time Leroy pointed the crystal at Mr. Chihuahua.
Leroy yelled, “Now!”
Prince Thaddeus fired a lightning bolt and Leroy shot with the crystal. Both hit Mr. Chihuahua, who managed to deflect both shots. The combination, however, had left him stunned. In his other hand Leroy raised the pistol he had taken from Alfred and fired it at Mr. Chihuahua. It hit with full force and Mr. Chihuahua winced in pain. Leroy fired again and Mr. Chihuahua fell onto his back with the pistol still in his hand.
To William it sure looked like The Iceman and Mr. Chihuahua were as dead as doornails. He looked over at Leroy, who had lowered both of his weapons, and Prince Thaddeus, who had relaxed his arms.
William was surprisingly calm and looked over at Mr. Claus, who looked very scared as did Liz, who was standing next to him.
Leroy asked the group, “Is everyone else okay?”
William answered, “It looks that way.”
Leroy looked over at Prince Thaddeus, “How’s Hokie?”
“He’s going to be okay when he wakes up in a couple of minutes.”
Leroy said, “Will you take care of The Iceman and Mr. Chihuahua? As Hokie isn’t welcome back home anymore then I guess we’ll keep him here. I promise to keep an eye on him.”
Prince Thaddeus answered, “I will make sure that they are returned to their home planets.”
Prince Thaddeus dragged The Iceman over to Mr. Chihuahua. He bid farewell to everyone and within a heartbeat had vanished with both bodies. By the time he had left Hokie was stirring and Alfred seemed to be awake.
Leroy looked at William, “Man, what we don’t do for the good boys and girls of the planet.”
22
The Pole
William looked around him and things appeared surprisingly normal, save for Hokie, who despite being a genuine alien was becoming part of the crew. He couldn’t imagine that Hokie would ever return after being part of killing Mr. Chihuahua.
William looked over at Liz, who still looked shaken but had lost the scared look. Mr. Claus appeared confused, which wasn’t strange considering the circumstances. Hokie was now standing and shook the cobwebs out of his head. Alfred was getting up and seemed to be his old self again. Mrs. Claus had managed to find the bourbon in the melee and was pouring herself a healthy glass.
William said to Leroy, “Wow, that was terrifying.”
Leroy answered, “That’s space for ya. Except for the lightning bolts and lasers it’s just like growing up in my neighborhood. Everyone wants something from someone else and some will resort to violence if necessary.”
William looked confused, “I thought you grew up in the ‘burbs.”
Leroy retorted, “And your point is…”
William laughed along with Leroy.
A familiar voice interrupted, “Okay, show’s over. Let’s get going on the fruit and nut bars. It’s T minus 48 hours and we don’t have anything to show for it.”
William looked over at Mr. Claus, who looked confident again and was falling back into his role. He had hoped that the shock of the recent events would have knocked some sense into his boss. That didn’t seem to be the case.
William looked over at Mr. Claus, “Forget the fruit and nut bars.”
Mr. Claus looked incredulous, “What do you mean? We had a plan.”
William answered calmly, “I didn’t bother going through with your idea. I was gonna let you know about know when it was too late. That would be now.”
Mr. Claus looked hurt, “William, I thought I could trust you.”
Before anyone else could get a word out, Leroy looked at Mr. Claus and said, “The fruit and nut bar scheme was a bad idea all the way around. You can’t really be blamed here, however, as Hokie was the architect behind the plan. He planted it into your head and I think that it’s time to put it to rest.”
Mr. Claus looked confused again. William looked at Leroy, who nodded to Hokie. Hokie concentrated for just a second and nodded back to Leroy. Mr. Claus changed back to his normal self.
Mr. Claus said, “Alright, let’s start getting the sleigh packed.” He walked out of the door and most likely went directly to wardrobe to drop off his suit for the last round of alterations.
William looked over at Hokie and asked, “What did you do?”
Hokie answered, “I just let him know that the list is done, the toys are ready and we are close to the big night. I also let him know how lovely and faithful his wife is. I thought it was the least I could do.”
Leroy said, “That’s one way of looking at it.”
Hokie looked over at Mrs. Claus and they smiled to one another. William caught Liz looking at him. He smiled back at her.
Leroy interrupted, “Well, I guess my work is done here for this year. I assume it’s cool if Alfred drops me off again.”
Alfred looked baffled, “Again? I didn’t even know I picked you up the first time.”
Leroy answered, “Yeah, I have a story to tell you on the way.”
Leroy waved goodbye to everyone and has he passed William on his way out he said, “Ask her out, man, it’s so obvious. Take it easy and don’t be a stranger.”
William looked over at Liz and blushed.
She said, “Should we check the list like we normally do?”
“No” said William as he walked over to Liz and kissed her on the lips.
23
The Pole
Liz pulled away from William and he could see her smile as he opened his eyes.
“Well, that took a while.” she said teasingly.
William smiled back at her. He had finally done it and he couldn’t be happier.
Mrs. Claus brought the proceedings back down to earth, “Finally. There will be plenty of time for that later, but right now we have to get thinking about the big night, which is tomorrow.”
William closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He walked over and got himself an espresso. He made a café latte for Liz and took it over to her. They were enjoying their coffee in blissful silence when Mr. Claus came charging in through the door.
He announced, “I got a killer headache. And it doesn’t make it any better that you guys are just sitting around like bumps on a log.”
William answered cautiously, “Well, we have had a lot of things going on.”
At that point Alfred returned to the boardroom again and apparently hadn’t spent much time talking to Leroy.
Mr. Claus replied sharply to William, “Yeah, and the dog ate your homework. Let’s get a move on people.”
Mrs. Claus walked over to him, put her hand on his shoulder and led him over to the far corner of the room. William could see Mr. Claus and his angry expression. He listened to Mrs. Claus for what seemed to be a long time and his expression went blank and his face became pale.
Mr. Claus blurted out rather loudly, “Fruit and nut bars? Which idiot thought of that idea? We’re all about the toys and the things the kids don’t get the rest of the year. And aliens attacking The Pole and Leroy being part of the space police? That’s beyond far-fetched. Alfred is that true?”
Alfred answered meekly, “I am afraid so. I was taken over by Hokie’s boss and nearly ended up killing all of you.”
Mr. Claus had always trusted Alfred and was clearly shocked by what he had said. He was also clearly thinking about it.
Mr. Claus finally said, “Aliens are just make believe, aren’t they?”
William answered, “No more make believe than elves and a magical figure in a red suit that delivers presents in the middle of the night.”
Mr. Claus thought about this for a second and answered, “Good point.”
William tried to get things back on track, “We’ll tell you the extended version on the 26th after you’ve delivered the goods and have had a good night’s sleep. Okay, everyone back to work.”
Mr. Claus took command again, “Alfred, please get the sleigh ready.”
24
The Pole
The first person that William saw when he got to the boardroom in the morning was Alfred, who had a huge grin on his face. That only meant one thing- new modifications to the sleigh. Everyone else was in the boardroom as per usual to wish Mr. Claus a good journey.
Mrs. Claus usually ducked out early and this year was no exception. She said her goodbyes to her husband and grabbed the bottle of bourbon they saved for special occasions. She took Hokie by the arm and headed out of the door. Hokie was surprised and stumbled the first step before he caught his stride and followed Mrs. Claus. For the second time in a couple of days William didn’t want to know where they were going and as long as Mr. Claus didn’t say anything it really wasn’t anyone else’s business. Mr. Claus was totally oblivious. It might have had something to do with Hokie’s powers and he made a mental note to talk to Hokie about this.
William took Liz’s hand and held it. He turned toward Alfred, who gave him a thumbs up.
They went outside and all of the elves were waiting by the new sleigh. It was candy apple red and shinier than it had ever been. With Hokie’s help Alfred had managed to build in a system that allowed Mr. Claus to choose music just by thinking of a song.
William asked, “How is that possible?”
Alfred smiled and answered, “Hokie showed me how to make a new type of circuit out of parts we already had. It was simple, actually. Pretty cool, though, huh?”
William said, “Indeed it is.”
He looked over to the sleigh and saw that Mr. Claus was talking to each of the reindeer and that meant that it was time to get the show on the road.
Mr. Claus took his place in the sleigh, turned and shouted, “Merry Christmas!”
Mr. Claus took out a red velvet bag and threw small packages to everyone and took off without further ado. He smiled and waved to everyone.
William wondered what was in the package. Mr. Claus usually just went on his merry way. He feared for a second that it was an exercise routine on DVD or something like that. He picked up a package from the ground and unwrapped it carefully. It was a plain box and when he turned it over it read “Hokie’s Organic Fruit and Nut Bars”. William looked over to Liz and Alfred and they paused a second before they all broke out in laughter.
